My Voice

Some of you may have noticed, others of you might not have. I have not posted anything in a long time. Just over 2 weeks to be exact. That is a long time for me, because I average 2-3 times a week usually. There is a good reason for my holding back though. Something I would like to attempt to explain today. I guess I just have yet to find my voice. My style. What I really want to communicate with the blogging world. Thus far my blog has kind of just been a soap box where I have vented on things that really get to me. I have had a few posts that have turned out golden. Precious to me if to no one else. That have continued to teach even me, the author of those postings, long after they have been posted. But most of the in between postings have simply been ravings about topics that have come to mean a lot to me over the span of my few years and over the education I have received through various mentors. And as interesting those topics are to me, and as right as I think I am, it just isn’t quite what I want my blog to be. So I decided to step back for 2 weeks and just stew. Just think. Just see what came to me. Meanwhile I have been sucked into the wonderful black hole that is blogging. I have found tons of new blogs that I absolutely love. Bogs that inspire me and that I love to keep coming back to.  Blogs that get my creative juices flowing. Blogs that encourage me to be beautiful inside and out. And blogs that teach me about motherhood, a topic I hold dear to my heart. I have been asking myself just what it is that I want to turn my blog into. I am not a momma, and I don't have cute pictures of a son to post. I don't have cute antidotes from my sons life and other similar stories to share with the blogging world. I don't have an eye for fashion and I certainly cannot put together the outfits this girl can, despite how hard I try to copy cat her. I am also not nearly as funny, cute, and cleaver as she is with words. I don't live buy the beach spending $1700 a month renting a little beach shelter just so I can say that I am living my dream. (Which is a dream both she and I share—to live by the beach. Maybe when I'm 50 too I’ll finally do it.) I don't have a husband with which I can share stories of learning to live with and cherishing. I don't have my own home or family to care for, and turning my bedroom into a sanctuary, or encouraging others to do that through daily tasks just isn't the same thing. I'm not real crafty I don't have kiddo’s with whom I can home school. And heaven knows there would be tons I could blog about if I was a homeschoolin’ mom. As much as I wish I did, I don't live on a ranch. And I am not married to the Marlboro Man and his amazing tush and I don't have books to write about that. I don't have amazing ideas that inspire others to shine on, as much as I’d like to copy cat that idea. I don't write someone a thank you note every day of my life. I don't have a hubby or kiddos to cook for and can't tell you about all the yummy food I've been making for them. I don't have a boyfriend named JJ or a Swede hubby that let me tape their eyes closed and bring me burritos without rice that I can blog about. I'm not prego my lego and can't tell you about my cankles, nesting, or outrageous food cravings. So, basically, what do I have left to blog about you might ask yourself? Well, that is what I have been asking myself now for a good month. 

Truth is… I'm. Not. Sure.

Now, this is not to say that I don't have things in my life that bring me both joy and pleasure. I am not looking longingly at all these other blogs wishing I had those lives or those experiences to share. It’s just that those seem to be the blogs that are getting attention these days. Those are the topics that people like to read about. I just have a hard time finding something in my own life that will inspire others to be better. I have a hard time thinking that my sister getting braces or my niece being so damn cute or the fact that I have heartburn 24 hours a day is interesting to anyone. (Seriously, I drink milk, the miracle cure, and I still get heartburn. I know I know. I really need to go to the doctors.) I just don't know what a 26 year old, single, not-really-dating-anyone-but-wants-to-be-an-adorable-wifey-and-mother woman who graduated in a field she detests and still lives at home is interesting or inspiring to anyone. I have great friends and the greatest job and amazing hobbies…. I just don't have an interesting-to-anyone-else kinda life. Ya know?

What I do seem to have though are the lessons I am learning about life. Lessons that probably should have been learned much earlier on in life but for whatever reasons were not learned. Lessons that are bringing joy and meaning to my life. Lessons that I am learning mostly through Dr. Laura as I have adopted her as my most wise and influential mentor. Lessons that are literally changing every aspect of my life for the better. Lessons that are creating a wonderful future for me. The problem I am having is that I don't know how to turn those lessons into blog postings without getting onto a soapbox and venting, which is all I have successfully done thus far.

So, over the next little bit I am going to be busting my brains out trying to find MY voice. Trying to find MY place in the blogging world. Trying to find MY way to inspire others—as every blog I have mentioned above (plus many more) have inspired me in some way or another. 

 I appreciate those of you who keep coming back to hear what else I have to say. I appreciate you sticking with me as I'm making this journey to find my voice and my place. I know, I don't really love what I have done here thus far either. It's a work in progress. I've got the clay in my hands… just not sure what the hell to do with it at this point.

The Truth Shall Set You Free.

SO, I've been obsessing with this blog lately. This Little Miss Momma is someone I think everyone can benefit looking up to. I certainly do. I read through her blog for a good hour the other day. She has the best attitude about motherhood. Her blog is the perfect combination of journaling, giving advice to other new mommas, being painfully honest about how tough mothering is, being honest about how it’s not as romanticized as everyone makes it out to be, learning how to be a good momma, and her son is just cute as I’ll get out. I have no idea who she is but I love her. Anyone who has kids, or who is going to have kids soon or someday ought to go check her out and blog stock her. She has already taught me tons about being a future momma. Love love love her.

Probably one of my favorite posts thus far was THIS ONE.

In it she openly admits that the parenting business was more than she signed up for. Most would feel guilt for that. I think it’s a universal reaction and we would all do ourselves a favor by admitting to that. But instead we would pretend like we have to love every minute. The tantrums. The middle of the night awakenings. The tantrums. The messy diapers. The tantrums. Did I mention the tantrums? These are all things about motherhood that I think it’s okay to extremely dislike.  

So, I wanted to post a little shout out to all the mums out there (I like how they say mums over in the UK) who are frazzled and frustrated. To you I must say: the truth shall set you free.

Do you ever feel like you have lost yourself?

Do you ever wonder if you will ever get to pee in peace?

Do you ever feel like you want to ship the kids off to Switzerland for a month?

Do you ever worry that one day you will actually pull your hair out?

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE. And these thoughts DO NOT MAKE YOU A BAD MOTHER. Join hands and unite here. I am in your corner here. Here is your support. Here is what you NEED to remember.

Motherhood is an awesome responsibility. And I don't mean awesome like totally cool, although it can be like that. I mean awesome like massive, difficult, exhausting, frustrating and crazed.  

The truth will set you free here. Mommies who do not admit to the reality of resentment that inevitably comes from being a mother and not feeling like your own self, tend to try to bury that feeling because they think it makes them a bad mother to feel it. Then they go into denial and sometimes some irrational behaviors manifest themselves. Sometimes rage wants to come out. And it could, if you do not admit to the resentment that is inevitably there. That is why you need breaks. Acknowledge the resentment in the breaks you take. First of all, forgive yourself for being resentful, for not loving every second of motherhood. Be honest with yourself. I am not yet a mother, but I already know that I will not love every minute of it. I am already getting stressed out at how tired I know I will be. I am already stressed out with the mother I imagine myself being. Step one, BE HONEST with yourself. Admit it; you don't LOVE every SECOND of being a mother. That’s ok. I am hereby giving you permission to admit it. Now, forgive yourself for being somewhat resentful for the lack of freedom. Be honest with yourself that this is a huge responsibility that sometimes you wish you could get out of. 

 Once you admit it, once you are honest with yourself, you are ready for step 2. Give yourself breaks. Motherhood is very tough and it requires breaks. Give yourself physical breaks- drop the kids off at grandma’s house, auntie’s house, friend’s house, mother in law’s house, the nice old lady next door’s house. 

Give yourself an hour or two to go get a massage or get your nails done or go shopping or go for a run or out to lunch with a girlfriend. You need to take breaks. 

You also need to take emotional breaks. Take a hot bath, curl up by the fire and read that book you’ve been meaning to read, put in headphones and ignore the screaming and bickering, TAKE NAPS. These things are not only NORMAL, they are NECESSARY. Whenever you need to, hand the kids to a family member and say that you will be back in an hour. You will be refreshed!

When we are really overwhelmed and stressed and in a situation where we feel we can't admit to that, I mean how can a woman say “I would like to get rid of this baby for a month so I would have a break” 

You don't really mean it mean it, but your overwhelmed. You need to take those breaks.

It’s like if you were a carpenter you would have to keep all your tools sharp. Well, as a mommy, you need to take breaks to keep your tools sharp.

Invest in yourself. Set boundaries. Learn to prioritize and learn to say no to the things low on the priority list.

Just like my friend over at Little Miss Momma admits that being a mommy isn’t everything she dreamed of, you can admit that too. Then TAKE A BREAK.

“Anyone who puts too much on their plate has to understand that it’s going to spill. You’re a human being. Every human being has limitations and the quality of one’s life is largely depending on being honest on what we can and wish to handle. To beat yourself up over being overworked is to say ‘it’s not fair I'm a person’ asking too much of yourself is not going to make for a very happy person. So many people expect so much of themselves and they make themselves miserable, when you really just have to acknowledge ‘can't do it all! Let’s pick and choose.’ “

–Dr. Laura Schlessinger 

Thanks again Dr. Laura for some inspirational words. I love learning my own limits and STICKING TO THEM. My life is richer with limits. Aaaah. Now I am going to go take a bath and read my book even though there are dishes in my sink. :)

The Problems with Public Schools. Part 3. Academics in Junior High.

Ok, in part one I went over how the poor academics in public schools start in elementary school. 30 kids all on different levels with different talents are forced to all learn the same way. Consequently the curriculum must be tailored to the slowest of the group. The bright students get bored. Part two, we decided that if young boys are not able to learn the same ways as little girls, by sitting still for long periods of time we are going to drug them with Ridilin and force them into submission, rather than embracing their learning styles and catering to those. I understand… there are just not enough resources to cater to or embrace those different learning styles. But that doesn’t change the fact that the kids don't get to learn the way they personally need to learn.

Part 3 is going to take us from elementary to junior high education. The fast finishers from elementary school are typically the straight A students in junior high. They understand the concepts, catch on quickly, and are easily able to manipulate the system to get good grades. I was one of these, and as I have said before, I never focused on learning, just on getting an A. I could easily get an A by memorizing answers, or cheating, or breezing through the busy work hardly any effort. Yes, the fast finishers breeze through their middle school years typically without notice. They are usually only challenged if they have honors classes, which are thankfully available at this point in time.

Those who were behind in elementary are still behind in junior high. The problem that I am seeing as a sub is that in junior high a child is given even less time to grasp a concept than in elementary. Typical periods in junior high last anywhere between 35 and 50 minutes. This isn’t really long enough for a teacher to explain a new concept and make sure each child has got the hang of it before then bell rings. Concepts usually build on each other, so those who fall behind once and don't get the help they need to catch up are quickly left behind and they have little hope in themselves to catch up and they quickly give up. These are the students (a huge majority of them male) who can barely read. They are the ones who in 8^th grade need to use their fingers to add up numbers like what is 7+5. They write ‘what is 12 minus 8’ like this: 8-12 and addition and subtraction must be done solely on a calculator. One time I even had an entire classroom of students who could not tell me what 3 divided by 1 equaled. They all reached for their calculators. I told them to not even dare, that they could do it in their heads. They all just stared blankly at me.

 Yesterday I was listening to kids read through a play, and the 8^th grade boy who was reading couldn’t figure out the word “apparently” he blanked when he saw it, and when he tried to sound it out he botched it. Yes, this is what happens to those students who fell behind just one time. They are bored stiff by just staring into space with a concept completely over their heads, so often times they will just sleep, or they will make trouble with other bored students, sometimes getting them kicked out of class (which I believe is just what most of them want). They are lost to the system that cannot stop to give special attention to them. There are too many requirements put on teachers, too much to cover in the school year and not enough time to help students play catch up.

Not only do those who fall behind stay behind, but those who are able to keep up and succeed are never challenged, as I have said. I was one of these students. The only class that was ever a challenge to me was my AP English class my senior year of high school. Besides that class, everything else was a breeze. Those who can do more, are not given more. They have to stay behind to close the gap as much as is possible. They are given busy work to occupy their time. It's pitiful. I wish I really could describe the kinds of work I am helping students with as a substitute. It's really sickening that most students are so unintelligent, not from lack of natural ability but from lack of challenge. 

I wanted to show you the lack of challenge first hand. This is the actual instructions for an actual 8^th grade reading class reading log in an actual public school. When I read this I got nauseated. If my child brought this home, I would have thrown a fit. I was very discussed at the pitiful excuse for requirements that we are putting on our children.

“Reading is an essential skill that must be practiced. ALL students must practice this skill, regardless of reading ability. Homework- read 50 minutes per week—10 minutes per day Monday thru Friday; any extra time read will count as extra credit (late reading logs are not eligible for the extra credit). You may read magazines, newspapers, novels, instructional manuals, materials for other classes, or most other types of text. I will not allow you to count text messages, emails, or closed captioning on the TV.”

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!

First of all—TEN MINUTES A DAY! Really!?! TEN! What happened to 30-45? What can a person even read in 10 minutes? 1-2 pages of a book! It would take a year to finish a novel at that rate!

Secondly—Look at what this teacher has said is acceptable reading and not, magazines, (those are 90% pictures) Newspapers and novels are great but Instructional manuals—really!?! What the heck is a person going to learn about a plot and themes narrative voice and comprehension by reading an instruction manual!
Materials for other classes!!! If you do your homework for another class you can count it as your reading for the day? How is that going to teach a person a love for reading at all! Unless one is able to get lost in a writing style and a genre that they love, unless a story is able to take them to a place in their imagination that they could never get to otherwise, unless a person is going to be challenged with new ideas and new concepts, how are they ever going to learn to love reading? What is to become of our next generation if they do not love to read? Who is going to become our future authors? Who is going to be our doctors or teachers or Politians? Reading is one of the most basic skills in life. It is the foundation of all other education and achievements. I am not sure which I feel more about all this-- It's a real tossup between being sad and scared. What is to become of our nation if we continue to give diplomas to people who can't even read them? The public schools are failing our children. There are just not enough teachers out there to get kids through successfully. And as a result students must cater to the imperfections of the system; there is just no way for the system to provide to the children. How refreshing it is to know that home schooled children get the one on one attention specifically catered to their talents, abilities, and needs. There is some hope left for the future.

Freedom. Precious Freedom.

“Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same.”
-Ronald Reagan (40th President of the United States of America 1981-1989) 

I've got something heavy weighing on my mind. Freedom and some important history pertaining to it. 

This posting is about the freedoms we once held dear and how they are being slowly taken from us. We are unfortunately not doing anything to fight to keep them. Let me tell you where I got the information I will soon share with you.

I went to a Freedom conference about 6 weeks ago and I heard a woman speak. Her story brought me to tears. Her name is Kitty Werthmann. Kitty was born in Austria in 1926 and lived in there for 24 years. 7 years under Hitler’s brutal regime, another 3 years after WWII and another 3 years in the USSR. She shares experiences from her life-- how Hitler slowly crept into power, and slowly took over every aspect of their lives. It is eerily familiar and has a powerful message. 

Kitty Werthmann

It was simply fascinating to listen to Kitty’s account of her life and growing up as a young girl in Austria as Hitler was first elected to power after his awesome track record in Germany and the way he slowly took over Austria in his quest for world domination. The citizens in Austria were also sitting by uneducated and unaware of what was going on. They were just too quick to let their freedoms be pried from their un-grasped fingers. We all know the tragedies that befell them as a result.

I have studied Kitty’s speech several times since ordering the audio, and what I have found I would like to share with you. Here is her story:

Before Hitler came into power, Austria was completely bankrupt. (Sound familiar?)

There was 30% unemployment. (We are slowly getting there.)  

The media was completely false and biased in their reporting’s. (Yep. America too.)   

Hitler promised that if he was elected, everyone would be able to work. He would give every farmer their farms back from the ‘greedy’ banks that foreclosed on them. He would also give every business owner their businesses back from the banks. He promised people hope. They were smitten. (Funny, we were too. With just one extra word. Change. Hope and Change.)

Since Germany at the time seemed to be flourishing economically and there was hardly any crime, Hitler’s plan seemed to be wonderful and it seemed to be working. 98% of Austrians elected Hitler into position. How could 98% of this Christian country could elect such a monster? Kitty asked… Then she replied that he didn’t look or sound like a monster, but actually looked and sounded like a charming American Politician. Joke? Unfortunately not.

Once he was elected, little changes began happening.

The people in Austria never questioned anything. They simply trusted Hitler and Germany. They knew what they were doing there and would succeed in governing the people of Austria.

The first thing that Hitler did was Nationalize the Banks.

The second thing Hitler did was Nationalize the car industry.

The next thing that happened was equal rights. Equal rights for women. (Because equal rights, is the first step in distributing the wealth.) {The feminist movement here in America was a big plan on the agenda of those desiring Communism. FYI} 

Austria had 7 states. Hitler said that 4 states would be a lot easier to govern than 7 and forced a merge into just 4 states, saying that it would be easier and cheaper to have 4. This is Called Regionalism. Regionalism takes away local control. (There have been 3 recent attempts to do this in South Dakota that I know of.)  

Hitler then said that everybody had a right to a guaranteed income. If your income wasn’t what the government said it should be-you got food stamps, you got heating fuel, you got subsidized housing. Sounds like welfare to me. How did the government pay for this? The taxes slowly got up to 70%.

Then, Hitler Nationalized Education. There is a fascinating yet eerie back story to this that I edited out. If you’re interested in hearing it, email me: livinghalfalive{at}gmail{dot}com

Guess what Hitler nationalized right after Education?

Healthcare.

It was free for everybody.

The healthcare in Austria prior to this was excellent, financed by private insurance. There were good doctors and very good hospitals. Kitty then said “This all changed.”

Her brother in law was a doctor. Soon after the nationalization, he would go to work and by 9:00 AM there were already 40 patients lined up at the office. He described it as “practicing medicine on a conveyor belt.” He only had a few minutes per patient. Doctors were put on salaries. No more money went into medical research. Only a few medicines were allowed to be covered through this nationalized healthcare system. If a doctor prescribed a medicine that was not on the list, it came out of their personal salary. Soon the salaries began to dwindle. Soon many doctors decided to leave the country.

The Austrian equivalent to OSHA started shutting businesses down like crazy. This made way for only government owned big businesses, and more control.

Farmers began to be given strict requirements. Even down to the number of eggs their chickens had to lay. Food began to be rationed.

Abortions became legal. (I’m disgusted and frightened with all these parallels.)

Hitler then began to euthanize. 

One of the problems with abortion and euthanasia is that once we decide it is not a problem to kill innocent unborn babies and it is not a problem to kill the elderly or the physically or mentally disabled, who else is it not going to be a problem to kill? Well, obviously the Jews were next on Hitler’s list. Who will it be the next time around? I worry that it will be me or someone that I love.

Then a federal police force began to grow. The Gestapo, or Nazi secret police, was everywhere. They dressed in civilian clothes and spied on everyone. People began to disappear, anyone who opposed began to disappear.  

Next, Austrians were manipulated into giving up their guns. How? First everyone was required to register them, and told this would help with the crime rate. Sounds awesome right? Well, it was a trick. 6 months later after they were all registered, the government required them to be turned in. Since the government tricked each citizen into registering each gun, they had record of each gun, there was no way to get away with keeping your gun. If you didn’t turn in your gun, you would be killed. This step prevented a revolution. Kitty says the only weapons they were eventually left with were their broomsticks. She also said that the only country Hitler couldn’t take over was Switzerland. That was because they refused to give up their guns. 

Next, the churches were nationalized. He required some of the income tax to be paid to the churches. This is the way he got to control the priests and other clergymen.

Slowly and surely Germany had crept in and dominated every aspect of their lives. Pretty soon they had no freedoms. Pretty soon they had no weapons. Pretty soon they had no choice but to comply or be killed.  Pretty soon another country on Hitler’s list could successfully be checked off. 

Before they ever knew what was happening, and before they had a mind to stop it every aspect of their lives was under complete control. These things didn’t happen overnight. It happened little by little over the course of 5 years until Austria had a complete dictatorship. By 1943 the seemingly small and insignificant laws, rules and regulations had slowly crept up into full dictatorship. The boarders were closed. The newspaper was being censored and the radios were nationally run. There was no freedom of speech.

Kitty closes her powerful message: “America is the greatest country in the world. If we can keep it.” 

I'm not sure at this rate we can keep it. There are way too many eerie parallel’s to what is happening with our current administration. One thing that I do know, the communist agenda is pretty straight forward. There is a plan and it is laid right out. They know exactly what needs to be done in order to take over a country as powerful as America.

It's also no secret what needs to be done. Rules for Radicals by Saul Alinsky lays it all out. The Naked Communist by Cleon Skousen lays it all out. Agenda: Grinding America Down by Curtis Bowers lays it all out. {I could go on but those are good starting points} 

They want us. Those with the communist agenda know that if they succeed in getting America, there is no stopping them. They also know that right now we are too ignorant to notice anything that is going on and therefore won't try to stop them until it is too late. These parallels are not coincidences. We need to wake America up. They will continue to take away our freedoms so long as we stay silent. We need to hold precious and fight for the freedoms and rights that were given to us by God and by the Founding Fathers of the American Constitution. The Government is getting too big and way too involved in our personal lives. If we do not get rid of the big government takeover we are doomed to repeat communism in this, the last and greatest free country in the world.

We, just like the Austrians, put way too much trust into a sweet talker and charmer. All it took was 2 words, Hope and Change, and we gave a lot of power to a man we knew little about. It is eerie however how similarly Hitler ran his country. The little changes that at first may seem innocent, things like nationalizing banks and the car industry… Obama did these with little notice and little opposition. Bigger changes then become easier and more tolerable to make, like nationalizing healthcare. I keep bashing the feminist movement, because equal rights for women starts a mindset that everyone should be equal. This is exactly how the communists take over the country. They plant ideas like this into the heads of people and then more radical ideas become tolerable. Same idea with the abortion and euthanasia. Once some killing is ok, soon it’s justifiable to kill more.

The Austrians were manipulated slowly until it was too late. It is so far not too late for us, but let us not wake up one morning with no guns, and no freedoms and then realize what it is we have done in our ignorance. Let us do our part to preserve freedom. Education is the most important thing I can think of to do this. Educate yourselves and others on the quest to preserve Freedom. Precious Freedom.

Me and Shallow Jerry.

“You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.” –Elaine to Jerry

Episode 4:19 the Implant

Before you read this post, you may want to be sure you have read One. Gorgeous. Redhead. Because I refer to it a lot in this posting and I build on the concepts first introduced there.  

We all have imperfections and poor qualities that are parts of our personalities and lead to less than impressive behavior. I certainly do. In an effort to work hard to improve myself, (which remember leads to higher self esteem) and in an effort to become a better person, I have been introspectively looking at some of my worst qualities and trying very hard to improve them. I don't like these certain traits of mine. In my religious and Christian opinion the point of life is to figure out just what kind of behaviors we have that make us less than perfect and then using the power of the Atonement, work hard to change those behaviors and become better people. I find both comfort and frustration in that philosophy. Comfort in knowing that we can change, yet frustration in knowing that our efforts will never be finished and there will always be some personality trait that can be improved. It is in these efforts that our quality of life will be improved, for 2 reasons. 1) Because if we are better people we will have more friends, because mean people suck. And B) Because the harder we work at something, the more we impress the self, and remember that is where self esteem comes from. And like I mentioned in One. Gorgeous. Red Head., life with self esteem is far superior than life without it.    

With that said, I would like to admit to some of my most disgusting behaviors, not to embarrass myself (although it is quite embarrassing... I am blushing at the thought of posting this) but more to inspire others to look at themselves and overcome their weaknesses. Also- since this blog is all about an improvement in life, how could this not be included? Overcoming my weaknesses, while difficult, and sometimes shameful, and frustrating, has become an important and irreplaceable part to the quality of my life. It gives me goals to work toward. It gives me more respect and admiration for generous and kind people who have obviously worked hard to become such good people, because I know that becoming a sincerely good person is so difficult. And it has given me more respect and admiration for myself.  

So, while disclosing this blackest part of me, don't judge me too harshly. I understand that I suck sometimes. I am trying to be better.  

So… Here it goes.

I think I might be shallow…. Alright, (sigh) I am shallow. I didn’t really notice this about me, consciously notice that I was doing it until some months ago, but it sort of just hit me one day while judging someone in my head. First of all, I hardly ever voice my shallow judgments out loud, so many of you who know me may be surprised at just how shallow I sometimes can be, but I can think some mean things about some people. Those of you who know me better only see a small portion of the shallowness I actually possess be voiced. The more introspective I have been looking at this the more I wonder why I am this way. I think I have a very good answer to that, which I am about to share. Regardless of having a reason or not, it’s wrong. It has put a wall up in my life, and I am the real victim of that wall. I am jealous at those of you who are so quickly able to look past someone's physical appearance and look right into their personality, because you have a better life than I do. You have deeper and more meaningful relationships that you benefit from. I am working to be more like that. Now, one thing I will say in my behalf is that I don't usually let my shallow judgments effect the way I treat or interact with those people, HOWEVER, sometimes I won't approach or go talk to someone who is… ahem… ugly. But once they approach me I am polite to their face, all while judging them in my head. I will give you some examples of these thoughts so we can all be on the same page. Things like:

·         She has a mustache! How can she have a boyfriend!

·         Her thunder thighs have so much cellulite on them, how is that not a turn off to any guy who would ever see them!

·         Look at that guy’s overbite, he will never find a girl who wants to kiss that.

·         That girl’s hair is so ugly, how does that boy like her?

·         That girl looks terrible without makeup. I pity any man who marries her!

·         What is that guy thinking, going for a girl that pretty—he is the scrawniest kid I have ever seen!  

·         How could someone so ugly be married? Or even dating?

·         That person is so fat, it’s no wonder they are still single!  

·         I am way prettier than she is, so why is that boy interested in her and not me!?!

You see how they are all judgments about the relationship status of a person? Don't worry, that important detail will be explained shortly. I also want to tell you the moment it clicked with me that I was shallow… I was looking at a guy whom I thought was quite fat, huge in fact. I was wondering what in the heck any girl would ever see in him. Then I found out that he was married, and his wife was much smaller than him and she was actually quite beautiful, and totally in love with him. I thought to myself, how can she look past that weight? How could she ever see him naked and still be turned on? Then it hit me, I was shallow and she was not. It also hit me, that while all of my shallow judgments have to do with the physical appearance of someone (isn’t that the definition of shallow—duh!) they also all have to do with relationships. She could never get a boyfriend, she is too ugly. Or on the flipside: How is that girl married! Especially when I am not, I am way prettier than she is! I wondered why my learned response (you remember that concept right? Pavlov and the salivating dog experiment? Wiki it if you don't) why my learned response about relationships was ALWAYS based on the physical appearance of people.

I think that my learned response came from my history with myself. There is not one judgment I have ever made about someone else that I have not made first towards myself. I have picked out each and every physical imperfection I have ever had in the mirror and then blamed that on the reason why no guys liked me. When I was in junior high and high school all I wanted was a boyfriend (I have now come to learn that it is because I was starved for male approval, a male role model, and attention from a man, all because of feelings that stemmed from the divorce of my parents.) I tried everything I could think of to get a boyfriend but to no avail. I can now see that I was doing very juvenile things, and I had no idea how to flirt or interact with guys and I was going about everything all wrong, but at the time, all I could attest it to was that I was ugly and fat. No guy was going to want to date me because I was so repulsive. I never thought I was worth a stone’s throw because no boy wanted a romantic relationship with me. (Remember, that is how I used to measure self esteem?) I was certainly my toughest critic. I think that in my explaining my lack of relationships on my physical appearance is what triggered this learned response, why I look at everyone else and physically judge their ability to have or not have a relationship based on that and that alone.

The first step in overcoming is to recognize right? Well, I recognize that I do this. And I hate that I do this. And just because I had low self esteem doesn’t justify my acting like that. I know it is wrong and I am not justified in doing it. I also admire beyond expression those people who can look right past physical appearance into the real heart of a person. I just have always put so much emphasis on my own personal appearance and judged myself accordingly that it just sort of branched out word to judging everyone else on their personal appearance. Those of you who can look to the heart of the man, you are the best people in the world, and as the Doc always says:

 There are enough pretty people in the world, we need more decent people.

I guess that over the past year I have really come to untangle the mess that my brain had gotten itself into in the first 24 years of my life. I guess that it was really the Doc that taught me how to untangle that web. I also guess that the first step to changing all the negative ways I saw and lived life was the untangling of it all, which she has given me. I see things so clearly now and I swear to you it is because I have unscrambled my brain. Everything was cross wired all wrong. Life is so refreshing with all the wires set up correctly and the point of view with which I now see the world. I also want everyone to know that I am working very hard to look to the heart of a person before I make any such judgments, because that is all I can hope for myself. I am not the most beautiful girl on the block, but I do believe my heart just might be. I hope and pray to be surrounded by those who will look at what I have to offer emotionally, not just physically. I cannot expect any less of myself. To be treated with that same respect must be earned. If I don't want the judgments towards myself I cannot dare to judge others. No wonder why Belle has always been my favorite Disney Princess. Subconsciously I knew that I wanted to look at people’s hearts, just like she does. That is one of my most precious goals.