Me and Shallow Jerry.

“You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.” –Elaine to Jerry

Episode 4:19 the Implant

Before you read this post, you may want to be sure you have read One. Gorgeous. Redhead. Because I refer to it a lot in this posting and I build on the concepts first introduced there.  

We all have imperfections and poor qualities that are parts of our personalities and lead to less than impressive behavior. I certainly do. In an effort to work hard to improve myself, (which remember leads to higher self esteem) and in an effort to become a better person, I have been introspectively looking at some of my worst qualities and trying very hard to improve them. I don't like these certain traits of mine. In my religious and Christian opinion the point of life is to figure out just what kind of behaviors we have that make us less than perfect and then using the power of the Atonement, work hard to change those behaviors and become better people. I find both comfort and frustration in that philosophy. Comfort in knowing that we can change, yet frustration in knowing that our efforts will never be finished and there will always be some personality trait that can be improved. It is in these efforts that our quality of life will be improved, for 2 reasons. 1) Because if we are better people we will have more friends, because mean people suck. And B) Because the harder we work at something, the more we impress the self, and remember that is where self esteem comes from. And like I mentioned in One. Gorgeous. Red Head., life with self esteem is far superior than life without it.    

With that said, I would like to admit to some of my most disgusting behaviors, not to embarrass myself (although it is quite embarrassing... I am blushing at the thought of posting this) but more to inspire others to look at themselves and overcome their weaknesses. Also- since this blog is all about an improvement in life, how could this not be included? Overcoming my weaknesses, while difficult, and sometimes shameful, and frustrating, has become an important and irreplaceable part to the quality of my life. It gives me goals to work toward. It gives me more respect and admiration for generous and kind people who have obviously worked hard to become such good people, because I know that becoming a sincerely good person is so difficult. And it has given me more respect and admiration for myself.  

So, while disclosing this blackest part of me, don't judge me too harshly. I understand that I suck sometimes. I am trying to be better.  

So… Here it goes.

I think I might be shallow…. Alright, (sigh) I am shallow. I didn’t really notice this about me, consciously notice that I was doing it until some months ago, but it sort of just hit me one day while judging someone in my head. First of all, I hardly ever voice my shallow judgments out loud, so many of you who know me may be surprised at just how shallow I sometimes can be, but I can think some mean things about some people. Those of you who know me better only see a small portion of the shallowness I actually possess be voiced. The more introspective I have been looking at this the more I wonder why I am this way. I think I have a very good answer to that, which I am about to share. Regardless of having a reason or not, it’s wrong. It has put a wall up in my life, and I am the real victim of that wall. I am jealous at those of you who are so quickly able to look past someone's physical appearance and look right into their personality, because you have a better life than I do. You have deeper and more meaningful relationships that you benefit from. I am working to be more like that. Now, one thing I will say in my behalf is that I don't usually let my shallow judgments effect the way I treat or interact with those people, HOWEVER, sometimes I won't approach or go talk to someone who is… ahem… ugly. But once they approach me I am polite to their face, all while judging them in my head. I will give you some examples of these thoughts so we can all be on the same page. Things like:

·         She has a mustache! How can she have a boyfriend!

·         Her thunder thighs have so much cellulite on them, how is that not a turn off to any guy who would ever see them!

·         Look at that guy’s overbite, he will never find a girl who wants to kiss that.

·         That girl’s hair is so ugly, how does that boy like her?

·         That girl looks terrible without makeup. I pity any man who marries her!

·         What is that guy thinking, going for a girl that pretty—he is the scrawniest kid I have ever seen!  

·         How could someone so ugly be married? Or even dating?

·         That person is so fat, it’s no wonder they are still single!  

·         I am way prettier than she is, so why is that boy interested in her and not me!?!

You see how they are all judgments about the relationship status of a person? Don't worry, that important detail will be explained shortly. I also want to tell you the moment it clicked with me that I was shallow… I was looking at a guy whom I thought was quite fat, huge in fact. I was wondering what in the heck any girl would ever see in him. Then I found out that he was married, and his wife was much smaller than him and she was actually quite beautiful, and totally in love with him. I thought to myself, how can she look past that weight? How could she ever see him naked and still be turned on? Then it hit me, I was shallow and she was not. It also hit me, that while all of my shallow judgments have to do with the physical appearance of someone (isn’t that the definition of shallow—duh!) they also all have to do with relationships. She could never get a boyfriend, she is too ugly. Or on the flipside: How is that girl married! Especially when I am not, I am way prettier than she is! I wondered why my learned response (you remember that concept right? Pavlov and the salivating dog experiment? Wiki it if you don't) why my learned response about relationships was ALWAYS based on the physical appearance of people.

I think that my learned response came from my history with myself. There is not one judgment I have ever made about someone else that I have not made first towards myself. I have picked out each and every physical imperfection I have ever had in the mirror and then blamed that on the reason why no guys liked me. When I was in junior high and high school all I wanted was a boyfriend (I have now come to learn that it is because I was starved for male approval, a male role model, and attention from a man, all because of feelings that stemmed from the divorce of my parents.) I tried everything I could think of to get a boyfriend but to no avail. I can now see that I was doing very juvenile things, and I had no idea how to flirt or interact with guys and I was going about everything all wrong, but at the time, all I could attest it to was that I was ugly and fat. No guy was going to want to date me because I was so repulsive. I never thought I was worth a stone’s throw because no boy wanted a romantic relationship with me. (Remember, that is how I used to measure self esteem?) I was certainly my toughest critic. I think that in my explaining my lack of relationships on my physical appearance is what triggered this learned response, why I look at everyone else and physically judge their ability to have or not have a relationship based on that and that alone.

The first step in overcoming is to recognize right? Well, I recognize that I do this. And I hate that I do this. And just because I had low self esteem doesn’t justify my acting like that. I know it is wrong and I am not justified in doing it. I also admire beyond expression those people who can look right past physical appearance into the real heart of a person. I just have always put so much emphasis on my own personal appearance and judged myself accordingly that it just sort of branched out word to judging everyone else on their personal appearance. Those of you who can look to the heart of the man, you are the best people in the world, and as the Doc always says:

 There are enough pretty people in the world, we need more decent people.

I guess that over the past year I have really come to untangle the mess that my brain had gotten itself into in the first 24 years of my life. I guess that it was really the Doc that taught me how to untangle that web. I also guess that the first step to changing all the negative ways I saw and lived life was the untangling of it all, which she has given me. I see things so clearly now and I swear to you it is because I have unscrambled my brain. Everything was cross wired all wrong. Life is so refreshing with all the wires set up correctly and the point of view with which I now see the world. I also want everyone to know that I am working very hard to look to the heart of a person before I make any such judgments, because that is all I can hope for myself. I am not the most beautiful girl on the block, but I do believe my heart just might be. I hope and pray to be surrounded by those who will look at what I have to offer emotionally, not just physically. I cannot expect any less of myself. To be treated with that same respect must be earned. If I don't want the judgments towards myself I cannot dare to judge others. No wonder why Belle has always been my favorite Disney Princess. Subconsciously I knew that I wanted to look at people’s hearts, just like she does. That is one of my most precious goals.