Keep Calm and SHINE on...

I have been so inspired by the SHINE project over the past few months. My inspiration was again renewed when I watched this video.

I am certainly tossing some ideas around in my own head and my own community to make some kind of a difference. I have been so blessed with finding the source of and working hard for TRUE happiness and I would like to share that knowledge with anyone who will listen.

Will you go follow the SHINE project? And SHINE ON.

Today...

In my quest to find My Voice on this blog, I have been taking some time off in posting frequently. Most recently I have shared with you 2 of the 3 goals that I have made for the month of April. I am working on some other posts that will chronicle my joys, my hobbies, my growth, my goals, and my experiences, but for now I am happy to report on my April goals. I am doing fabulously on the first goal of washing my face every night. I only failed once because I was seriously way too tired. I barely had the energy to take my shoes off and crawl into bed. But don't worry; I washed my face as soon as I got up the next day to make up for it. As far as the budget is going, I already shared my failure for week 2, but week 3 is much better. I am pretty confident that I will be able to make up for what I spent last weekend and my spending habits have gotten way better. I am now forcing myself to decipher between wants and needs and my wants are just not being as catered to anymore.

My 3^rd goal for the month I have decided to keep private. I will report that while I sometimes don't do as well as I would like, I can see daily growth in the right direction and that is all I can hope for. I am proud of myself for the efforts I am making. This is something that I have been wrestling with for probably the past decade or more, and can't hope to change in just a few weeks, but the growth is all I am after, which I am happy about.  

In my recent attempts to shift this blog into more of  what it needs to become; today I want to share some of the things that I am grateful for, even in my trials. I am going through a lot of difficulties right now in my life, mostly difficulties that have to do with figuring out where to go from here in my life. Educational plans, career plans, financial plans, shifting towards adulthood plans… things of that nature. Lately they have been REALLY stressing me out. Stressing me out to the point that I can't sleep and I may or may not be losing my hair. Through it all, as difficult as it may be, keeping focused on the-glass-is-half-full mentality has really been helping me to stay focused and happy. It has enabled me to enjoy life’s small moments regardless of the bigger struggles.

So…  

Today I am grateful for a job that I love. (One of the most cherished lessons I have learned in my life is to NOT force myself to work at a job that I hate just for money’s sake.) While I don't make much annually, I adore what I do. I recently gave up a job that more than doubled my current annual salary. I gave it up because I was miserable. I am so blessed to know that no price tag can be put on my happiness, and a good job is a huge part of that happiness. While the lack of money is holding me back from some of my life’s dreams, I get to live most of them with just a few bucks. That to me is priceless.

Today I am grateful for choices. I get to decide for myself what I want out of life. While the pressure of making these decisions is keeping me up at night, I am grateful that I get to decide. I don't live in a country or a society where I am told what I will be doing from the government, from a father or from a husband. That is freedom that I cherish. If it were up to someone else to decide what I should be doing with myself I would most likely be stuck in a miserable situation. 

Today I am grateful for summer, even though it is really teasing me right now. I think best when I am in the sunshine. I am looking forward to being able to sit outside and meditate about my future. I have a feeling I will best be able to figure myself out, and find solutions to my current plaguing thoughts in those moments. Also, I can't think of anything I enjoy doing more than taking my bike out for a long ride, playing in a softball game, or watching a baseball game, spitting sunflower seeds all over the bleachers. I wait anxiously all winter long for those times. In these moments my life is peaked with satisfaction. 

 I am grateful for my Father in Heaven. I know that He is mindful of my situation and that His hand is in my life. I am grateful that He is approachable and that He loves me. Even when I get frustrated in the situations I find myself in, I know that they are very insignificant moments in the scheme of things. Keeping that in mind is very rewarding and calming. My faith in Him is strong. 

 Today I am grateful for great friends. While we have what seems sometimes like polar opposite agenda’s for our lives, we keep finding ourselves in similar situations that we have to work out. The comfort and perspective it gives me to have people I love facing similar trials is another priceless component to my life.

Today I am grateful for possibilities. I don't care to go into those at this point in time, but a situation that has once given me an ulcer because of anxiety and worry is, for today anyways, not worrying me. I have peace in my possibilities. 

Today I am grateful for self-worth. This is something I cherish daily, because it is something that I worked hard for. But I suppose that today I am especially grateful for opportunities others have at seeing my self-worth. I had 2 such experiences over the weekend. It is very rewarding.  

Through all the stresses of finding oneself that I am currently facing, I am grateful for life. I am grateful for the little stuff. I am grateful for the good days and for the bad days. I am grateful for the opportunities at growth that I will always have in this life and the sense of fulfillment that comes from effort to improve.

Time To Go Public

3 in 30. April 2011. Goal #1

I do a lot of blog stocking. And blog hopping. Blogs have become my newest cyber black hole. It used to be Facebook, but thanks to a goal I made about 2 months ago, to stay away from FB for 2 weeks, my FB activities have significantly declined. Now I spend a lot more time reading blogs. This is an activity I feel better about because I gain more from blogs than Facebook. I am given lots of good ideas by others. I am taught by others and I am inspired by others.  

I was blog hopping few weeks ago and I found this blog that has a segment that I really enjoy and have decided to do. She calls it 3 in 30 and basically she focuses on 3 goals that she wants to implement over the next 30 days. (I have thrown up her button over there to the left… You can click on it to get more info.) We have all heard that it takes 21 days of doing something to make it a habit, or is it 28? Now I can't remember. But it doesn’t really matter because doing something for 30 days will be sufficient. The basic idea this woman came up with was to take it slow and steady. Choosing only 3 goals to focus on every 30 days and hopefully turning them into habits is the whole basis of this 3 in 30 thing. Pretty simple right? I think so too. And it fits in pretty perfectly with this new life’s perspective I have seem to taken on. See,

The past few months I have really been focusing on self improvement. One of the main reasons why I have been doing this comes from a lesson I was taught by the Doc on self esteem. I blogged about that a while back and it continues to be one of my favorite postings. Since learning about where self esteem comes from, and finally getting some for myself, I have become addicted. I am not sure if this contrast comes from having a lifetime with no self esteem and then finally having some but it feels so great to finally believe in myself, to finally know that I am worth someone amazing. Since learning that the more efforts I make in improving myself the more confidence I have, the stronger I feel, the more able to conquer life’s trials and heartaches, I have only wanted to continue on in that path in my own life. I am doing this for several other reasons, reasons I am not sure that I will share today, but the main one is that I can finally feel good about myself because I am trying. That is all that I can hope for in my life. That is all I believe this life’s journey is about. And man is it satisfying! I am so grateful that I have come to learn this lesson so early on in my life. Efforts to self improve are highly rewarding and satisfying.

One of the things that I would like to do with this blog, in an effort to find my voice, and in an effort to better myself and strengthen my self esteem, is to document efforts that I am making at self improvement. I have found that when I put a goal on this blog I am far more likely to keep it. I feel like I am far more accountable than I am when I just make goals that I keep between me and myself. I found that with the Facebook goal I made. I tried to stay off Facebook for 2 weeks straight. I would have cracked many times if I had not publicly committed to stay off of it. There is also another post in which I came clean to being shallow. Since I went public with that I have been making great efforts to keep my thoughts away from the physical appearance of people and really get to know them before deciding whether or not they were quality people with which to associate with. I have come to learn that I was only hurting myself by judging others by their appearances. I still resort back to my default reaction from time to time but I have come far. I see progress almost every day. And this pleases me.

So, now that we are already about a week into April, I figured it was high time that I went public with the 3 in 30 that I have chosen to tackle in April. When I first decided to do this 3 in 30 I started making a list of goals that I want to do over the next few months. I have come up with a huge list of goals. I actually got really excited to start implementing a ton of them, so much that I actually had a very difficult time narrowing it down to just 3. There are lots of different categories of goals too, social goals, goals for my health, goals to expand my mind, goals that have to do with my spiritual development, lots of different goals. But, since I don't want to get burnt out I forced myself to pick just 3 as my 3 in 30. I can and have been making some efforts towards some of the other goals, but my 3 in 30 are the main ones I am focusing on. 

I’ll have you know that I have been doing a swell job at my 3 goals for this month. I have succeeded in doing each of them daily. I am very pleased with my progress. I am only going to tell you about one of them today. The other 2 will be revealed in the near future.

Now, this first goal may seem a little petty, perhaps insignificant to many of you. Others of you may gasp in horror when you read my soon confession. But you will soon learn that it does have significance to me. 

Deep breath. (I still get really self conscious when I make public confessions like this.)

I never wash my face.

Or at least I didn’t until April 1, 2011.

I know I know, those of you religious face washers are probably disgusted with me right now. It's like confessing that I never brush my teeth. {Now THAT is disgusting.}

The truth is, I'm super duper annoyed when it comes to washing my face. I seriously hate when you are done and the sink is covered in water. Your shirt is covered in water. Your arms are soaking wet and the water keeps running down your arms. Your eyes are closed and you are trying to feel your way to the towel that is never big enough to clean up the water mess you just made. I get so annoyed by that process that I stopped doing it years ago.

It's always the shoe maker’s children who go without shoes right? Well my mom is an esthetician. Which basically means she has the most gorgeous skin, she uses the most expensive and highest quality products on the market (her current regimen retails at close to $500 and she would probably kill me for posting that) that are worth every penny, and she spends probably hours each week taking care of her skin. She is getting “older,” in the skin department but she could easily pass for 15 years younger than she is because she takes such amazing care of her skin. Her skin literally glows (and not only because she is such a great person… which is part of it… but literally that her incredibly healthy skin just glows.)  She has the most advanced products and techniques to take care of skin, and I don't utilize any of it. She typically gasps in horror when she hears me talk about how I never wash my face, how I never clean off my phone (which I think gives me bad zits when I press it against my face) how I pick at my zits that are not ready yet (a BIG no-no in the world of esthetics) and how even when I am in the shower I don't wash my face. She asks me over and over what products I am using, and if I need some toner or face wash or mask that is literally top of the line and never ceases to shudder and lecture when she hears that “nope, I don't need it.”

So, the consequences of this….

{How awkward are those close-ups of my… ahem… ‘blemishes’…. I know I know I know, very awkward, but we are being honest here today.}

Let me just start out by saying that I am embarrassed by posting this photograph. And that the current state of my face, showcased in this photograph is actually pretty good. It’s typically worse than this, and the camera cannot even show what the naked eye can see, which is again, even worse. What this photograph also doesn’t show you is the hundred more tiny zits that can only be seen in the correct lighting and a close-up mirror. And what this photograph also doesn’t show you is what is under the makeup. Thank Heavens for makeup. Yes I know, my mother is ashamed at the state of my skin.

I don't know why having a face full of zits has always been less annoying to me than washing my face has been, but it has. (Probably it’s also been a heavy combination of me being lazy, which is a common theme in certain aspects of my life.)

But truth be told, I am trying to be a better person. And taking pride in my physical appearance is one of those things that I feel would improve my overall person. This isn’t in a (nor is it intended to be in a) vein or prideful way, because I feel that one can take pride in his/her appearance without being prideful. It is more the fact that I do have inner and outer beauty that deserves to be showcased. So, that is goal number one. To wash my face every night. And you guys will never guess the excitement my mother showed when I told her that I wanted to start to wash my face. She took me into her bathroom and began to throw about 20 different products at me. Products that I know cost her a pretty penny. (She is so generous!) Products that I had no idea existed. Products that I had no idea how to use. I ended up only taking 4 with me. {And you might be interested to know that she had to slowly explain to me 4 times how to wash my face. What steps to use and what products to use and in what order.) I think I finally got it down. And I am very proud to say that I have washed my face every day since then.

ME: “How long until I start seeing results mom?”

MOM: “How old are you… 26 right?

ME: “Yep”

Mom: “That would make your  cell turnover rate at about 20 days, and you will need 2 cell turnover rates to start seeing results, so 40 days.” (She is a good esthetician. Smarty pants that one)

ME: {defeated sigh} “Alright then. 4o days.” (I want everything to happen overnight.)

So, here is to me and my new face washing regimen. And you know what? It is inspiring me to go the extra mile nightly too, with other things… Such as flossing and taking out my contacts, which I had the tendency to overlook all too frequently.

What are your 3 in 30’s?

My Voice

Some of you may have noticed, others of you might not have. I have not posted anything in a long time. Just over 2 weeks to be exact. That is a long time for me, because I average 2-3 times a week usually. There is a good reason for my holding back though. Something I would like to attempt to explain today. I guess I just have yet to find my voice. My style. What I really want to communicate with the blogging world. Thus far my blog has kind of just been a soap box where I have vented on things that really get to me. I have had a few posts that have turned out golden. Precious to me if to no one else. That have continued to teach even me, the author of those postings, long after they have been posted. But most of the in between postings have simply been ravings about topics that have come to mean a lot to me over the span of my few years and over the education I have received through various mentors. And as interesting those topics are to me, and as right as I think I am, it just isn’t quite what I want my blog to be. So I decided to step back for 2 weeks and just stew. Just think. Just see what came to me. Meanwhile I have been sucked into the wonderful black hole that is blogging. I have found tons of new blogs that I absolutely love. Bogs that inspire me and that I love to keep coming back to.  Blogs that get my creative juices flowing. Blogs that encourage me to be beautiful inside and out. And blogs that teach me about motherhood, a topic I hold dear to my heart. I have been asking myself just what it is that I want to turn my blog into. I am not a momma, and I don't have cute pictures of a son to post. I don't have cute antidotes from my sons life and other similar stories to share with the blogging world. I don't have an eye for fashion and I certainly cannot put together the outfits this girl can, despite how hard I try to copy cat her. I am also not nearly as funny, cute, and cleaver as she is with words. I don't live buy the beach spending $1700 a month renting a little beach shelter just so I can say that I am living my dream. (Which is a dream both she and I share—to live by the beach. Maybe when I'm 50 too I’ll finally do it.) I don't have a husband with which I can share stories of learning to live with and cherishing. I don't have my own home or family to care for, and turning my bedroom into a sanctuary, or encouraging others to do that through daily tasks just isn't the same thing. I'm not real crafty I don't have kiddo’s with whom I can home school. And heaven knows there would be tons I could blog about if I was a homeschoolin’ mom. As much as I wish I did, I don't live on a ranch. And I am not married to the Marlboro Man and his amazing tush and I don't have books to write about that. I don't have amazing ideas that inspire others to shine on, as much as I’d like to copy cat that idea. I don't write someone a thank you note every day of my life. I don't have a hubby or kiddos to cook for and can't tell you about all the yummy food I've been making for them. I don't have a boyfriend named JJ or a Swede hubby that let me tape their eyes closed and bring me burritos without rice that I can blog about. I'm not prego my lego and can't tell you about my cankles, nesting, or outrageous food cravings. So, basically, what do I have left to blog about you might ask yourself? Well, that is what I have been asking myself now for a good month. 

Truth is… I'm. Not. Sure.

Now, this is not to say that I don't have things in my life that bring me both joy and pleasure. I am not looking longingly at all these other blogs wishing I had those lives or those experiences to share. It’s just that those seem to be the blogs that are getting attention these days. Those are the topics that people like to read about. I just have a hard time finding something in my own life that will inspire others to be better. I have a hard time thinking that my sister getting braces or my niece being so damn cute or the fact that I have heartburn 24 hours a day is interesting to anyone. (Seriously, I drink milk, the miracle cure, and I still get heartburn. I know I know. I really need to go to the doctors.) I just don't know what a 26 year old, single, not-really-dating-anyone-but-wants-to-be-an-adorable-wifey-and-mother woman who graduated in a field she detests and still lives at home is interesting or inspiring to anyone. I have great friends and the greatest job and amazing hobbies…. I just don't have an interesting-to-anyone-else kinda life. Ya know?

What I do seem to have though are the lessons I am learning about life. Lessons that probably should have been learned much earlier on in life but for whatever reasons were not learned. Lessons that are bringing joy and meaning to my life. Lessons that I am learning mostly through Dr. Laura as I have adopted her as my most wise and influential mentor. Lessons that are literally changing every aspect of my life for the better. Lessons that are creating a wonderful future for me. The problem I am having is that I don't know how to turn those lessons into blog postings without getting onto a soapbox and venting, which is all I have successfully done thus far.

So, over the next little bit I am going to be busting my brains out trying to find MY voice. Trying to find MY place in the blogging world. Trying to find MY way to inspire others—as every blog I have mentioned above (plus many more) have inspired me in some way or another. 

 I appreciate those of you who keep coming back to hear what else I have to say. I appreciate you sticking with me as I'm making this journey to find my voice and my place. I know, I don't really love what I have done here thus far either. It's a work in progress. I've got the clay in my hands… just not sure what the hell to do with it at this point.

The Square Peg and the Round Hole.

So due to a little life hiccup that I recently went through, I had to take some time off from blogging. But now I'm Baaaaaack. Without going into too much detail about the events that I have recently experienced, I want to tell you a little story about the past 2 weeks. What happened was that I attempted to force my life into a direction that I should never have went into. It was nothing immoral, illegal, or fattening, but a direction that I should have known I didn’t belong in. I knew deep down that I was not going to be able to fit my square pegged life into the round hole that this direction required. Fortunately, I learned quickly that I don't belong in that direction and I was able to remedy the situation with few ramifications. I am ever grateful now that I had the opportunity to reinforce the inclination I had prior that my life did not belong in that round hole.  Now I KNOW that my life does not belong in that round hole. I am a square peg through and through.

The most joy I have felt in the past 2 weeks was when I decided that as a square peg I don't belong in a round hole, and embracing that is the best decision I have made in a long time. As of yesterday, I am back where I belong and I couldn’t be happier. I have learned amazing things about myself and about my abilities, desires, goals, and priorities. I am grateful for supportive and understanding people in my life. I am grateful for those who put themselves out to assist me in what I needed. I am thankful for friends and family for helping me, talking to me, being patient with me, and reinforcing the conflicting decisions I made so quickly to each other.

I am back to my square pegged life where I belong. I am relieved to be here. I am in love with my life again. And bottom line, I know my limitations and I won't force myself beyond them. (This does not mean that I don't force myself to learn and grow. Painful as that can be it is necessary and brings great joy. This is not the kind of limitations I am talking about not forcing, quite different actually.) I would encourage each and every one of you to do the same. Learn your limitations and don't force what isn’t there. Do what you love. Life is too short to be unhappy in any avenue of your life.

And I lived happily ever after…

One. Gorgeous. Redhead.

“Once in his life every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous red head.” Lucille Ball

One day, one lucky man will fall madly in love with this gorgeous red head:

I am beautiful. 

It took me 24 ½ years of life before I was able to even say that, let alone believe it. And I am only able to do both now thanks to the Doc. 

I struggled for 24 ½ years of life with self esteem. I would go through stages here and there of having less and more self esteem. I would go through periods of having or faking confidence. But deep down, I was convinced I was ugly. Deep down, I was convinced I was fat. Deep down, I was convinced I was completely undesirable to boys of all shapes, sizes, and ages. Deep down, I could NEVER even fathom the idea that someone besides my family (who are morally obligated) could possibly love me. It was tough.

Then I found the Doc. The Doc, over the course of about a year taught me how to love myself. She taught me where my identity and self worth needed to come from. She taught me where I ought to find my sense of well being and sense of value. Up until that point I had always thought I would find it in the amount that other people loved and cared about me.

It was from her I best learned that a tremendous amount of insecurities often come when there is insufficient bonding between a parent and child. The first place we get a sense of value is a parent’s love. There were some dynamics in my early life, including the breaking down of my beloved home due to divorce, which I can now see lead to low self esteem as a pre-teen to teenage life, and well into my young adulthood. I was looking any place I could to be filled up with love. Friends, family, boyfriends, acquaintances, you name it. Everyone else had control of my self worth. I found it absolutely impossible to love myself.

It seemed to just click one day listening to the Doc, although I am certain that it was over the course of at least 9 months of solid listening and pondering. The only place where my identity, self worth, wellbeing and sense of self could now come from was within myself, and it had to be earned.

My whole life I had been measuring my self worth by the type of people that really loved me. From the Doc I learned what a mistake that had been. The hardest I’d ever fallen, the one time where every ounce of my identity and self worth had been given to another was with the ex. I have mentioned him before, and I will likely mention him again. (I only have one real EX that I will ever refer to on the blog) when this man broke up with me, (I feel juvenile admitting this) it was the single most traumatic experience I had ever experienced in my life. I was 23. We had dated for about a year and deep down I was miserable with him. He treated me bad. He took advantage of my kindness and willingness to be a good girlfriend. He took me for granted. He never chose me over his friends (even though I chose him over my friends all too frequently). All in all, he was not a good boyfriend. Everyone who saw us interact was wondering what in the hell I was thinking. I will tell you what I was thinking. I was thinking that I finally found someone who loved me. I thought that for sure if I could get this man to love me than I was in fact lovable. I was trying to prove to myself that someone in the universe was capable of saying “I love you” to me—something that I had previously thought was completely impossible. I also was thinking that because I was so unlovable, he was the best I could ever dream of being with and I’d had better appreciate those words while I had them, because I may never hear them again. It was as though I was feasting on my last meal. You would think that as miserable as I was with him I would have been happy to break up and be freed from him. I wasn’t. I was devastated. I was holding on to him as my last shred of human worth, and when he looped me off, I felt as though my very existence could be looped off without a single person taking notice.

 It was a tough time in my life, but I don't want anyone to think that it is how I still feel. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for this period of time in my life. I look at it as one of the most valuable learning experiences in my life. It's like those cliché sayings about having to see how dark things can really get before being able to appreciate the light. Well my friends, I can finally say I know and appreciate what it feels like to love yourself, because I truly know what it is like to loathe yourself.

I now understand the light and life that comes from truly and sincerely loving oneself. The Doc was the only person who has been successful in my life at teaching me to love myself. For this, I will love her forever. She has made my life bright and enjoyable. I know the title of my blog sounds uber cheesy, but I kid you not, I had NO CLUE what life could be like until I started seeing it through her eyes. I was alive (breathing in and out) but I was not alive (finding joy in the journey) until I found her. That is what I mean by living half alive.

So, I am sure those of you who find yourself to be difficult to love are dying to know just what it is she said that made it click with me… Here is one of my favorite paraphrased explanations on self esteem from the Doc:

Self esteem is a person’s awareness of their value. That’s earned. If no matter what you do, there is no judgment towards you, everything you do us just all wonderful then you have an inflated notion about yourself not built on earning it. And its ephemeral (short lived). Our self esteem comes from our efforts. Self esteem comes from impressing the self, and you impress the self with hard work and tenacity. Once you learn that you can accomplish a frustrating or a difficult task because there is deeper in you, you will find self esteem. That truly impresses the self. When you come to know that by your own efforts you are ok… that is the solid stuff. Getting hurt and surviving it will also make you solid.

A selfish man “loving me” never taught me any self esteem. Working hard and sacrificing myself to serve others-- did. Working hard to look honestly at my weaknesses and putting forth real effort to improve on those weaknesses-- did. Coming to learn what a real woman looks like and acts like and putting forth great effort to become just that-- did. Putting forth hard work in school and in my job--did. Learning how to become a better friend-- did. Owning up, swallowing my pride, apologizing for my wrongdoings and taking responsibility for my actions-- did. Looking in the mirror, and telling that tough critic in my head to shut the hell up-- did. Finally believing that I am beautiful, inside and out--did. Finally understanding that I do have something amazing to offer a man in a relationship-- did.  

I used to think that I would be lucky to have any crumb bum who would take someone as unimpressive as me. I no longer think that. Now I know that whoever chooses me, will be the luckiest man in the world. I now know that I have the world to offer someone. I now know that I deserve the best and will hold out till I find nothing less. One day, one lucky man will fall madly in love with this gorgeous red head.