I Got No Spit.

Jaws has always scared the crap out of me. 

 Things like

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

and 

"I got no spit." 

 It just gives me the creeps to think about being in that cage. I can't believe people do that for reals!

Shark attacks always scare the crap out of me. I can think of about a thousand ways I would rather die. The very thought is so terrifying that it keeps me out of the ocean in most circumstances. Terrifying as these sharks are, today I am going to talk about a different shark attack subject.

A Book Review.

 The book that I will be reviewing today is the latest and greatest Dr. Laura book called Surviving a Shark Attack on Land. Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge. 

While I know its not a book on a life threatening shark attack subject from Jaws himself, shark attacks on land (betrayals and back stabbings) are very real, very scary and very painful.

This book of hers came out just in January and it actually was not one that I was planning on reading any time soon. I have lots of other books I would rather read first. But I saw it at the library and checked it out just to be able to glance at it… skim through it. I do this a ton—check out books I actually have no intention of reading through. I don't know, one of many weird quirks about me. But I couldn’t sleep one night and just picked it up out of a stack of about 10 other library books checked out for the same reason. It was a very quick and very easy read. I finished it in just 2 sittings.

I have to be very honest right now when I say for me it was just meh. Nothing really earth shattering or life changing for me in this book. This was probably because most of the things she goes over in this book are things I have heard many times before on her radio program and since they were not new ideas to me, they had lost their allure. Another reason why this book was just meh for me was that it wasn’t really applicable to my life right now. Sure I have been stabbed in the back before but the feelings that I had then are not feelings that I have now, I have been able to get over the backstabbing and betrayal and dealing with the intense revengeful feelings I felt. (Although at the time I think this book could have really helped.)

So, the content of the book, quickly, is all about getting screwed over—backstabbed by people. All the feelings of hurt that come with that… how do you best deal with them? This book is kind of a how to on the subject. (Who is a better expert with this than the Doc herself right?) Over her 30 years of getting backstabbed and thrown into shark frenzies she had learned a thing or 2 about how to deal with those feelings of hurt. Also, those feelings of revenge that immediate follow backstabbing—you ALL know you have felt them—she goes over how best to deal with those feelings and how to get revenge without doing anything illegal, immoral, fattening, or that changes your character. 

Now, I want people to know that I do not follow the Doc blindly. I have a mind of my own and I use it. I don't just swoon over everything that she says or does. The reason why I like her so much is because she challenges the way I think. No other person has ever consistently been able to do that for me before. I am such an analytical person that challenging the way I think is HUGE for me. This book was very simple for me and honestly didn’t contain much meat that I could sink my teeth into, but it did have a few mind challenges for me, and I want to sum those up for you.

I am not going to summarize any more of the book, because you can do your own internet research on that. I would first like to summarize what I got from it, and finally, my personal experience with betrayal and the lessons I took away from that.

So, onto what I got from it. There were 3 things that really made me think. First and the most interesting part to me were the reasons why people backstab. She encourages you to take your experiences with backstabbing and figure out the motive. Paint the true picture of your betrayer. 

Some of the reasons why people backstab are because of…

·         Possessiveness. They backstab to eliminate competition.

·         Entitlement. They backstab because they feel they should be compensated.

·         Competition. They backstab in order to get something from you.

·         Defensiveness. They backstab because they don't agree with what you’ve said or the values you choose to have.

·         Greed. They backstab in order to gain money and posessions.

·         Jealousy. They backstab in order to ruin the happiness of others they think are happier than they are.

·         Unhappiness. They betray vows, obligations, and responsibilities because they are unhappy.

·         Identity. They backstab because it makes them feel powerful, and important.

·         Evil. Sometimes people are just evil.

·         Expedience. They backstab and betray you simply because it served them in that moment. Those are the kind of betrayals that are prevalent in the movies. New girl comes to school and isn’t cool. Someone genuinely befriends them, and then the popular girls want to hang only if she will betray her first friend. These are possibly the most painful of betrayals because you know you did not mean anything to that person, you were only being used.

This was a very stimulating list I felt was well thought out by the Doc.

The next thing that really struck me in this book was actually not from the Doc but a quote that she used.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” –Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I never want to be a silent ‘friend’ who simply stands by while my friends are attacked, betrayed or belittled. I always want to be the one to volunteer to go down with the ship. I never want to be the betrayer who just stood by and watched another be attacked. A conscious goal I now have thanks to reading that.

The third thing that I really took from this book is that while the feelings of wanting revenge are real, and while they are strong and overpowering, you cannot allow them to lead you to do something that goes against your morale. My favorite and probably to me the most powerful line in this book was:

“The type of vengeance we choose to administer is a window into our character and a building block for our souls.” –Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

I was once betrayed by some people that I loved. I thought they too loved me but reflecting back on it, I can see that their betrayal was somewhere between entitlement, identity and expedience. It was overwhelming. It completely destroyed me and my entire life. I had to rebuild from scratch. Almost 2 years later I have done a damn fine job if I do say so myself. It is far superior than any life with them ever was, and I am certain that it is far superior than my life would ever have been if I’d continued on in the friendships with no betrayal. Because of this, I have realized that this shark attack was a blessing in disguise. And, as the Doc says, many shark attacks are a blessing in disguise. I can't help but agree. One of her closing remarks is that “I no longer fear shark attacks. I don't enjoy them, but I know that after the bloodletting, it’s up to me to make it a blessing and not a burden.” I may not go so far as to say that I don't fear shark attacks; I don't have that much experience. But I do love and adopt the idea that one of the best way to move forward from them is to find the blessing in disguise that is almost always there. Take the crap life hands you and make the best of it. Stop Whining. Start Living. 

My father once told me (in the mist of this betrayal actually, as I was sharing my desires for revenge) that the best revenge was to become a successful and good person, better person than your betrayer. If in fact the person who tried to destroy you can in the future see that his or her attempts failed, that could possibly be the sweetest form of revenge. And as Drew Barrymore says to her betrayers in the film Ever After: “I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment, and never think of you again. But you, I am quite certain, will think about me every single day for the rest of your life.”

Our betrayers obsess about us. It is freeing to forget about them as the insignificant mean people that they are and continue on to become strong, kind, and successful people.
I have reflected on my fathers’ advice hundreds of times over the past 2 years. It has helped me and pulled me through many feelings of betrayal.

Shark attacks suck. They are heartbreaking. No one should ever have to deal with them, but the bottom line is everyone will at some point. I believe we should be teaching our children how to deal with betrayal, because it is a matter of when, not if. If they are prepared prior to the feeding frenzy they will come out stronger survivors. If you are no good at dealing with the feelings of hurt or the need for revenge, go pick up this book and see what it does for you.

The Emotionally Mature...

Soooooo... I am going to start doing a little 'fun for me' segment on the blog… Book Reviews. I love to read, and I want to share my good reads with people. One of the ways I have decided to do this is here on the blog. These will be ranging from self help type books to novels to books with topics about family and politics that I personally find important and that I have enjoyed reading. I am going to start that today; however, today it’s actually going to be a book that I would not necessarily recommend.

Before I tell you what book that is, I am going to tell you a little bit about why I picked it up. I was talking to a good friend, having a thought provoking conversation (as they always are) about qualities to look out for when picking a good man to marry and she mentioned to me 3 qualities to make sure to pick in a husband. I was intrigued and interested to hear what they were, and actually they were quite intuitive. She told me she got them from a book. Since I was impressed with the qualities, I decided to read the book. To her: I actually am not sure if you liked this book or not, so sorry for my somewhat negative review of this book, but I thought it was kind of a cop out. There were about 5 pages in this book that turned out to be valuable; the 3 qualities discussed being a part of that value. The rest of the book, in my opinion, was like total common sense. It was to me like this woman wanted to make money and get credit for taking some common sense and turning it into a book. Perhaps there are some woman who might need to read about some of the common sense things in this book, but personally, I didn’t learn too much.

There is another reason that I don't like this book. I personally am morally against those with children under the age of 18 remarrying. This book is kind of a guidebook on how to do that, how to remarry when you have divorced. The author herself divorced with a small child and remarried. Again, I DO NOT think this is fair or morally correct to do that to children, which is another reason why the book didn’t knock my socks off.

Without further adieu, the book that didn’t knock my socks off is called Dating Secrets for Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell. 

 So, I am going to take the small amount of valuable knowledge out of this book and summarize what I learned from it. First and foremost, this book is all about learning how to pick a man who is emotionally mature.

The Doc is completely focused on being emotionally mature. This book did help to shed some light on what exactly it means to be emotionally mature. This I agree is the first step to having a good marriage. One point that was made that I did find very interesting was that 15-25% of the population never emotionally mature past the age of 14. Their behaviors stay selfish, they are motivated by rewards or punishments, and acknowledgements. They long for love, approval and acceptance but they make little connection to their responsibility to love. They largely don't know any better, it’s like a light never turned on in their minds. (p. 33) These are the kinds of people that do not make good spouses and should not be married, and if as much as 1 in 4 are like this, we spouse hunters really have to keep our eyes open. Those who are emotionally mature are first of all Empathetic.

Empathy is the first quality of the emotionally mature. I am sure that most of you understand what empathy looks like. Looking past oneself to the feelings, needs and rights of others shows empathy. Those who are quick to anger, or who are capable of backstabbing are not empathetic. There is a whole page of what a non-empathetic person looks like in this book (and if you don't know, you can go check the book out, read this small section, and return the book.) I thought that was an interesting first quality. I appreciated that point of view.

Quality number 2: Self Control. Is this person able to exercise self control? Self control comes in lots of areas. Obviously drug, alcohol, and sexual addictions are a big sign of someone not having self control. But some of the less obvious ones may be uncontrollable spending of money or even jumping from one relationship to another very quickly. Again, there is a whole page in the book listing what behaviors someone who lacks self control may possess. And another thought provoking quality for me.  

Third quality, accepting responsibility. Someone who has emotionally maturity can accept responsibility. They don't blame, lie, or excuse their behavior. They apologize when wrong, don't justify, or manipulate. Another fairly self explanatory quality, yet thought provoking.

So those are the 3 qualities that an emotionally healthy person will have. It gives me great perspective towards myself, what I need to work on and where I still am emotionally immature. It also helps me in my spouse hunting to make the wisest choice in my future. I appreciated these 3 pages in the book. There were a few small things I did get out of the book that I enjoyed. Some are things I have mentioned on the blog, others are things I still plan to mention. I will summarize.

One thing that Alisa mentioned in this book was about men loving to sacrifice. This goes right along with the pre-marital sex problems I have mentioned previously. She says that men see no point in sacrificing for things they can get for free. When toys, cars, money, or women come easily, a man is quick to enjoy them in the moment and then forget about them just as quickly. (p.96) Although she was not talking about premarital sex, I felt it was applicable and I appreciated the point made.

She also echoed the point I made about being single yet still living life and not pausing your life to whine about what is wrong with it. Do not live she says as if your life will only begin when you are in a relationship. (p. 112) I liked that, because all any of us really has is time, so with or without all our dreams in place, let’s not stop living.

So there you have it. My not so enthusiastic book review of Dating Game Secrets to Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell. And like I said, I really appreciate the 3 qualities that an emotionally person has, and other than the few valuable one liners here and there, I found the rest of the book to be a little bit basic and containing mostly common sense. And unless you have no idea what a controlling or abusive man acts like, and I do mean NO IDEA, then I would not send you in the direction of this book.