The Emotionally Mature...

Soooooo... I am going to start doing a little 'fun for me' segment on the blog… Book Reviews. I love to read, and I want to share my good reads with people. One of the ways I have decided to do this is here on the blog. These will be ranging from self help type books to novels to books with topics about family and politics that I personally find important and that I have enjoyed reading. I am going to start that today; however, today it’s actually going to be a book that I would not necessarily recommend.

Before I tell you what book that is, I am going to tell you a little bit about why I picked it up. I was talking to a good friend, having a thought provoking conversation (as they always are) about qualities to look out for when picking a good man to marry and she mentioned to me 3 qualities to make sure to pick in a husband. I was intrigued and interested to hear what they were, and actually they were quite intuitive. She told me she got them from a book. Since I was impressed with the qualities, I decided to read the book. To her: I actually am not sure if you liked this book or not, so sorry for my somewhat negative review of this book, but I thought it was kind of a cop out. There were about 5 pages in this book that turned out to be valuable; the 3 qualities discussed being a part of that value. The rest of the book, in my opinion, was like total common sense. It was to me like this woman wanted to make money and get credit for taking some common sense and turning it into a book. Perhaps there are some woman who might need to read about some of the common sense things in this book, but personally, I didn’t learn too much.

There is another reason that I don't like this book. I personally am morally against those with children under the age of 18 remarrying. This book is kind of a guidebook on how to do that, how to remarry when you have divorced. The author herself divorced with a small child and remarried. Again, I DO NOT think this is fair or morally correct to do that to children, which is another reason why the book didn’t knock my socks off.

Without further adieu, the book that didn’t knock my socks off is called Dating Secrets for Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell. 

 So, I am going to take the small amount of valuable knowledge out of this book and summarize what I learned from it. First and foremost, this book is all about learning how to pick a man who is emotionally mature.

The Doc is completely focused on being emotionally mature. This book did help to shed some light on what exactly it means to be emotionally mature. This I agree is the first step to having a good marriage. One point that was made that I did find very interesting was that 15-25% of the population never emotionally mature past the age of 14. Their behaviors stay selfish, they are motivated by rewards or punishments, and acknowledgements. They long for love, approval and acceptance but they make little connection to their responsibility to love. They largely don't know any better, it’s like a light never turned on in their minds. (p. 33) These are the kinds of people that do not make good spouses and should not be married, and if as much as 1 in 4 are like this, we spouse hunters really have to keep our eyes open. Those who are emotionally mature are first of all Empathetic.

Empathy is the first quality of the emotionally mature. I am sure that most of you understand what empathy looks like. Looking past oneself to the feelings, needs and rights of others shows empathy. Those who are quick to anger, or who are capable of backstabbing are not empathetic. There is a whole page of what a non-empathetic person looks like in this book (and if you don't know, you can go check the book out, read this small section, and return the book.) I thought that was an interesting first quality. I appreciated that point of view.

Quality number 2: Self Control. Is this person able to exercise self control? Self control comes in lots of areas. Obviously drug, alcohol, and sexual addictions are a big sign of someone not having self control. But some of the less obvious ones may be uncontrollable spending of money or even jumping from one relationship to another very quickly. Again, there is a whole page in the book listing what behaviors someone who lacks self control may possess. And another thought provoking quality for me.  

Third quality, accepting responsibility. Someone who has emotionally maturity can accept responsibility. They don't blame, lie, or excuse their behavior. They apologize when wrong, don't justify, or manipulate. Another fairly self explanatory quality, yet thought provoking.

So those are the 3 qualities that an emotionally healthy person will have. It gives me great perspective towards myself, what I need to work on and where I still am emotionally immature. It also helps me in my spouse hunting to make the wisest choice in my future. I appreciated these 3 pages in the book. There were a few small things I did get out of the book that I enjoyed. Some are things I have mentioned on the blog, others are things I still plan to mention. I will summarize.

One thing that Alisa mentioned in this book was about men loving to sacrifice. This goes right along with the pre-marital sex problems I have mentioned previously. She says that men see no point in sacrificing for things they can get for free. When toys, cars, money, or women come easily, a man is quick to enjoy them in the moment and then forget about them just as quickly. (p.96) Although she was not talking about premarital sex, I felt it was applicable and I appreciated the point made.

She also echoed the point I made about being single yet still living life and not pausing your life to whine about what is wrong with it. Do not live she says as if your life will only begin when you are in a relationship. (p. 112) I liked that, because all any of us really has is time, so with or without all our dreams in place, let’s not stop living.

So there you have it. My not so enthusiastic book review of Dating Game Secrets to Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell. And like I said, I really appreciate the 3 qualities that an emotionally person has, and other than the few valuable one liners here and there, I found the rest of the book to be a little bit basic and containing mostly common sense. And unless you have no idea what a controlling or abusive man acts like, and I do mean NO IDEA, then I would not send you in the direction of this book.     

A Dream Remembered.

"There was a land of Cavaliers and Cotton Fields called the Old South. Here in this pretty world, Gallantry took its last bow. Here was the last ever to be seen of Knights and their Ladies Fair, of Master and of Slave. Look for it only in books, for it is no more than a dream remembered, a Civilization gone with the wind....”

Gone with the wind is the Doc’s favorite movie, she talks about it a lot. Until about a month ago I had never seen it, so I figured I’d had better watch it so I would know better what she was talking about. I am very glad that I did, because not only was it a great movie but she has since made reference to it dozens of times and I finally know what she is taking about. Immediately I was drawn in. I was impressed with the culture and the language and the costumes and the dating rituals. For those of you who have not seen it, I will give you a brief synopsis (and yes, the following paragraph is brief, considering this is a four hour film). This synopsis is my personal interpretation of the film… whether or not I am accurate in that interpretation of the film is debatable. But the following is how I interpreted the events. (And since I have heard more on the Doc’s interpretation I realize I may not have seen things the same way that she did.)

.

Scarlet O’Hara is a rich, spoiled, single woman who is in love with a young man named Ashley. Ashley is engaged to be married to someone else. Scarlet makes a fool of herself trying to steal Ashley from his beloved fiancé with no luck. He marries and she then marries someone she does not love to make Ashley jealous. He never blinks an eye in her direction. She becomes a widow due to the war and again swoops in to try to steal away Ashley from his adoring wife. She continues to act like a fool, spoiled and selfish through another marriage (a man whom she stole away from another woman in the neighborhood, a man whom she had no regard towards but only married him for the money and business opportunity he provided her). All this is going on while, Rhett Taylor, a rogue scalawag is madly in love with Scarlett. She is not interested, or so it seems. She fights him off until she realizes that he could be taken advantage of. Meanwhile, the Civil War has swept through Scarlet’s beloved hometown and destroyed her home. She is poverty stricken and finally learns how to work. You would think she would learn some humility and kindness, but in regards to most, she continues to be mean and selfish. The only person she is consistently kind to is Melanie- the wife of her beloved Ashley. Sometimes it seems sincere, other times it seems that it is only in an attempt to steal Ashley away when given a chance. Her second husband dies and Rhett proposes. She accepts but during their whole marriage she still claims to be in love with Ashley. Rhett stays by her side, trying and trying and trying to win her love and affection. He is obviously jealous of Ashley but he never lets that take an effect on how he treats her. Finally, at the end of the film he has had it with her. He refuses to stay by while Scarlet continues to choose Ashley over him. She has committed the ultimate betrayal. He decides to leave her. It is at this point that Scarlett finally realizes what love is, and realizes that she doesn’t nor ever did really love Ashley, but she does and always has loved Rhett.

***Spoiler alert:

I have heard this last line many times before, but I never realized it was from Gone With The Wind. She begs him to stay, and I thought for sure he would. But he doesn’t. As she is petitioning him to stay she asks him what she will do without him. He replies: “Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn” and walks off into the sunset. She is in despair. She finally is completely alone, left to live the life she has created for herself and the movie ends.

At first I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why this is the Doc’s favorite movie. I was surprised over and over again at the behavior of Scarlet, knowing that the Doc must disapprove of her childish and selfish behavior. It does not have a happy ending and it does not show a lot of ethical or moral behavior on the part of Scarlett, and the Doc is all about the morals and ethics in life. Then it hit me. The Doc loves Rhett Taylor.  

What I can understand is the practical application of Scarlett’s behaviors in a lot of what the Doc preaches. First, a point which she makes often, men will only take abuse for so long before they finally have had enough. Some men can take more than others. Scarlett spent years neglecting Rhett and never spent any time showing him love or respect. He had a boiling point that I never thought he would reach. He finally did. Scarlett taught us a powerful lesson on how to treat our men.

Also, men used to be honorable and strong. They took care of their women. They respected, honored and cherished their women. Men were real men. Since the feminist movement and the problem of casual sex, the necessity men had to be real men disappeared as they were allowed to be jerks and still get off.

Women knew what womanly wiles were and they knew how to use them. They understood that to control a man, all you needed to do was use your womanly wiles. Men love womanly wiles and are happy to do what their women ask of them when asked through those wiles, creating a win-win situation. These days the concept of womanly wiles seems to be foreign to women. Instead they have taken to nagging and bitching to control their men. Men get resentful and depressed, women feel like the bitches they are. A lose-lose situation.

There are also many smaller lessons we can learn thorough the film. I was impressed with the concept of manners and hospitality shown by the people in the era. I was impressed with the modesty and the old fashioned dating rituals. I feel that those times were far superior to many aspects of our time. Overall I would say that I enjoyed the film. It can be a challenging 4 hour film but I would recommend it. I appreciate the lessons that time period taught me about dating, manners, clothing, and language. I appreciate the timeless lessons that can be applied to relationships between men and women. Womanly wiles are valuable beyond measure for a healthy relationship, and men do have a higher tolerance for mistreatment, but it is there and there will come a point that a woman will lose her man if she fails to treat him well.

I wrote this about 2 weeks ago, right after I had seen the film. Since writing it I have heard many more statements and references to the movie by the Doc. I will say that I have come to understand better what makes it her favorite film, how amazing Rhett is and how foolish Scarlett is. Today I would write my interpretation of the film a little differently, but that isn’t super important to the point. Just yesterday I heard her say the following statement about the movie. She was talking to a woman who was in love with a weak man. The Doc was trying to warn her against that and she used the film to illustrate the point.

Scarlett O’Hara loves Ashley Wilkes, the weak man and she misses the relationship of a lifetime.

I get it. I love the lessons this classic film teaches. I am holding out for a real man.  

 And I wont be as dumb as Scarlett.

The wisdom of George (is there such a thing?)

In case you cant read this it says:

“Bald men with no jobs and no money who live with their parents don't approach strange women.” -George

I LOVE Seinfeld. But that love is not what this post is about. I just thought this quote was fitting for what I am going to blog about.

One of my favorite Dr. Laura quotes has come to open up the world to me over the past year as I have really come to understand it more and more.

Stop whining. Start living.

It's a powerful little motto. It has been a great attitude check point as I have journeyed through life and come face to face with the challenges of that life. My story behind this little mantra is one that I would like to blog about today.   

I don't think it’s a secret to anyone who knows me that I am ready to wed. I have finished all the big milestones young single adults have to accomplish short of marriage and I am dating for the purpose of finding a spouse. Sometimes this fact frustrates me, because the dating game is so wearisome. I often wish I was just on the other end of it, but I was never really too worried about the amount of time I spent being frustrated with it until about a year ago when I was emailed by a good friend who lives some distance away. She was simply distraught with the fact that she was 26 and not married yet. We discussed different details about her life and situation in some detail over the course of a few weeks, but the thing that I just kept seeing was her attitude about the whole thing. She just kept expressing over and over again how much she hated her life. She just wanted to be married and with every passing day that she was not married, she became more and more bitter and negative. She never had anything positive to say about her situation. She just kept complaining about not being married yet. I was so turned off by this attitude that I was sure it is one of the things that was holding her back. It immediately dawned on me what Dr. Laura meant when she said Stop Whining. Start Living. This girl was so caught up in the difficulties of being single that she refused to find any other kind of joy in her life. She indeed had stopped living her life in order to complain. This was a very powerful example to me of how quickly focusing on the frustrations of life can take away the joys of life.

At this time, being unmarried is probably the main complaint I have in my life. While it can be frustrating at times, I realized that I can either focus on the downside of being single, or I can focus on continuing my personal progression in spite of being single. I have many goals in life that include children and a husband, but I also have many goals in life that have nothing to do with being married or having children. I decided after this experience with my friend that I refuse to hold myself back from accomplishing my ‘single’ list just because I can't accomplish my ‘married’ list. I was so sad for this girl who honestly could not think of one single good thing about her life. She was so focused on that one part of her life that wasn’t how she wanted it that she couldn’t focus on any other good thing in life. Life is full of joy for me regardless of the fact that I am single. I have found great joy over the years focusing on becoming a better person. Accomplishing different goals I have set for myself. Doing all the fun things single people get to do. Learning to love and respect myself. Cultivating some very important friendships and other opportunities that life has afforded me. As I continue to grow and develop regardless of my marital status, I’ve become aware that living as a single person is an affirmation of strength and self—not an embarrassing admission of failure.

I have faith that someday I will get married. But I refuse to wait till then to begin my life. I am very careful not to spend any time being frustrated with being single, because there is so much more to life than being married.

 There is a little saying I heard when I was younger and really stuck with me over the years. “You must be the man you wish to marry.” George has his own little interpretation of the same idea. George knows that he is a looser. He also knows that as a loser he is in no position to approach non-loser women. This little quote, "you must be the man you wish to marry" meant to me that if I want to marry someone who was educated, I must become educated. If I wanted to marry someone with a love for his family, I must love my family. If I wanted to marry someone who is driven and goal oriented, I must be driven and goal oriented. If I just sit around sulking and waiting to wed, I won’t be worthy of anyone really impressive.

One of the religious leaders of my faith, in an address directed towards young, single women gave this advice which echoes beautifully the point I am trying to make. 

“If you are just marking time waiting for a marriage prospect, stop waiting. Prepare yourself for life—even a single life—by education, experience and planning. Don't wait for happiness to be thrust upon you. Seek it out in service and learning. Make a life for yourself.” Elder Dallin H. Oaks 

  

In other words, Stop Whining. Start Living. I appreciate these statements of advice and think of them daily.

I don't ever want anyone to think that I am just waiting around to get married. I am not. I am moving forward, living my life, ready to wed when the right opportunity presents itself. I am not just sitting around waiting in any sense of the word. I am living and loving my life and progressing as an individual

Thanks to the Doc, I have learned the importance of utilizing the life I do have, utilizing it to bring me happiness and joy regardless of being in situations that are less than desirable.

The Committment Bracket.

You know what I have come to learn from the Doc? This may seem very elementary, common sense to some of you, but honestly it never really occurred to me until it was pointed out to me by her. It makes such brilliant sense now and it is a knowledge that I cherish for my future relationships, indeed it is knowledge that could have spared me a great deal in my last relationship. Without further adieu, this knowledge is the fact that there are really 2 types of dating. Those who date for fun, and those who date to find a spouse. I know, its huge hu? I realize that I may be the only person who didn’t realize this fact prior to the Doc mentioning it. I used to think that the way it worked was that 2 people find each other and just hang out until the relationship evolves naturally into whatever it was supposed to evolve into. How immature that actually is though. Things like relationships should be planned much better. Fate is horse manure, in my never to be humble opinion. There are some people who are not ready to get married and to commit their lives to another. There is nothing wrong with this, as marriage is the single most important decision any person could make and it shouldn’t be made prematurely. Those people who are not ready to get married, date to have fun. They date so that they have someone to go to the movies with on Saturday night, or someone to invite to their friends birthday party. They may date someone they know they would not marry, just because that person is fun and will provide lots of good experiences. This can be an important stage to live. I think it’s important to date around and date often so that you understand yourself and your life goals better. I think dating for fun will always teach you more about yourself and what you want out of life and in a spouse. However, most people reach a point in their lives when they are ready to start looking for a spouse. It is then that they begin to date for that intent and purpose. They don't need to stay in a relationship for too long with a person they know they would not marry. It’s not about having fun, staying with someone just to have someone to go to the movies with. These are the people that typically know more about themselves and what they want out of life and they are looking for someone to match those things. They are typically done with all the big milestones of their lives, like school, internships, study abroads, established careers, homeownership, etc. They don't waste time dating the wrong person.

I find it quite dangerous for a person who is dating for fun and a person who is trying to find a spouse to date each other. That kind of situation is always going to lead to trouble. Either it leads to painful breakups, or the one who is ready, ropes the other who is not ready, into making a commitment that he or she is not ready to make. That also leads to trouble. Because, as the Doc so eloquently put it one time:

Don't bother to get married if you're not going to live for the other person. There is no point. You are just going to be miserable. Marriage requires 2 people who love for each other not for themselves. That is the big leap you take when you make vows. You're living your life now for the benefit of someone outside of yourself. If you're not up to that yet, don't get married. Wait. Until you have the concept fully entrenched. It’s very important.

When a person doesn’t understand that concept, of living for the benefit of someone outside themselves, they shouldn’t get married. And someone who does understand that concept shouldn’t be trying to rope someone into marriage who does not understand that. Vows should be taken by 2 people who are on that same plane. Since I am dating to find a spouse, this knowledge has become invaluable to me. It is also something that I have never been taught before. Thankfully I found the Doc. In my last relationship I was dating to marry, but my boyfriend was not. I never realized why the two of us just never quite fit until long after we broke up and this knowledge was brought to my attention. It was a great aha moment in my life. (I realize that I am a little slower than most of you on this subject, but better late than never right?)

So, now that I understand these 2 stages, I am better prepared for my first dates. Now, the Doc recommends being up front right on the first date, and asking someone: “Are you dating for the purpose of finding a spouse? Because that is why I am dating.” I think that may be a tad forward, that it may get a little creepy, especially if a girl were to ask that to a guy. And I have been advised by guys in the past that I should maybe save something like that for a second or third date. I'm alright with that, but there are also ways of finding out where a person is a little more subtly than coming right out and asking. This is something that I always do in the beginning of a potential relationship. Long before we become emotionally attached to one another, I find out if they are in the same stage as me. I have luckily learned from my past mistake, not to date someone who is not dating for the purpose of finding a spouse. I must say, again, that I feel a little slow for not grasping this concept until I was about 24 years old, nevertheless, I have grasped it now, I implement it, and it’s of great benefit to my dating experiences at this point in my human development.