Me and Shallow Jerry.

“You know, sometimes when I think you're the shallowest man I've ever met, you somehow manage to drain a little more out of the pool.” –Elaine to Jerry

Episode 4:19 the Implant

Before you read this post, you may want to be sure you have read One. Gorgeous. Redhead. Because I refer to it a lot in this posting and I build on the concepts first introduced there.  

We all have imperfections and poor qualities that are parts of our personalities and lead to less than impressive behavior. I certainly do. In an effort to work hard to improve myself, (which remember leads to higher self esteem) and in an effort to become a better person, I have been introspectively looking at some of my worst qualities and trying very hard to improve them. I don't like these certain traits of mine. In my religious and Christian opinion the point of life is to figure out just what kind of behaviors we have that make us less than perfect and then using the power of the Atonement, work hard to change those behaviors and become better people. I find both comfort and frustration in that philosophy. Comfort in knowing that we can change, yet frustration in knowing that our efforts will never be finished and there will always be some personality trait that can be improved. It is in these efforts that our quality of life will be improved, for 2 reasons. 1) Because if we are better people we will have more friends, because mean people suck. And B) Because the harder we work at something, the more we impress the self, and remember that is where self esteem comes from. And like I mentioned in One. Gorgeous. Red Head., life with self esteem is far superior than life without it.    

With that said, I would like to admit to some of my most disgusting behaviors, not to embarrass myself (although it is quite embarrassing... I am blushing at the thought of posting this) but more to inspire others to look at themselves and overcome their weaknesses. Also- since this blog is all about an improvement in life, how could this not be included? Overcoming my weaknesses, while difficult, and sometimes shameful, and frustrating, has become an important and irreplaceable part to the quality of my life. It gives me goals to work toward. It gives me more respect and admiration for generous and kind people who have obviously worked hard to become such good people, because I know that becoming a sincerely good person is so difficult. And it has given me more respect and admiration for myself.  

So, while disclosing this blackest part of me, don't judge me too harshly. I understand that I suck sometimes. I am trying to be better.  

So… Here it goes.

I think I might be shallow…. Alright, (sigh) I am shallow. I didn’t really notice this about me, consciously notice that I was doing it until some months ago, but it sort of just hit me one day while judging someone in my head. First of all, I hardly ever voice my shallow judgments out loud, so many of you who know me may be surprised at just how shallow I sometimes can be, but I can think some mean things about some people. Those of you who know me better only see a small portion of the shallowness I actually possess be voiced. The more introspective I have been looking at this the more I wonder why I am this way. I think I have a very good answer to that, which I am about to share. Regardless of having a reason or not, it’s wrong. It has put a wall up in my life, and I am the real victim of that wall. I am jealous at those of you who are so quickly able to look past someone's physical appearance and look right into their personality, because you have a better life than I do. You have deeper and more meaningful relationships that you benefit from. I am working to be more like that. Now, one thing I will say in my behalf is that I don't usually let my shallow judgments effect the way I treat or interact with those people, HOWEVER, sometimes I won't approach or go talk to someone who is… ahem… ugly. But once they approach me I am polite to their face, all while judging them in my head. I will give you some examples of these thoughts so we can all be on the same page. Things like:

·         She has a mustache! How can she have a boyfriend!

·         Her thunder thighs have so much cellulite on them, how is that not a turn off to any guy who would ever see them!

·         Look at that guy’s overbite, he will never find a girl who wants to kiss that.

·         That girl’s hair is so ugly, how does that boy like her?

·         That girl looks terrible without makeup. I pity any man who marries her!

·         What is that guy thinking, going for a girl that pretty—he is the scrawniest kid I have ever seen!  

·         How could someone so ugly be married? Or even dating?

·         That person is so fat, it’s no wonder they are still single!  

·         I am way prettier than she is, so why is that boy interested in her and not me!?!

You see how they are all judgments about the relationship status of a person? Don't worry, that important detail will be explained shortly. I also want to tell you the moment it clicked with me that I was shallow… I was looking at a guy whom I thought was quite fat, huge in fact. I was wondering what in the heck any girl would ever see in him. Then I found out that he was married, and his wife was much smaller than him and she was actually quite beautiful, and totally in love with him. I thought to myself, how can she look past that weight? How could she ever see him naked and still be turned on? Then it hit me, I was shallow and she was not. It also hit me, that while all of my shallow judgments have to do with the physical appearance of someone (isn’t that the definition of shallow—duh!) they also all have to do with relationships. She could never get a boyfriend, she is too ugly. Or on the flipside: How is that girl married! Especially when I am not, I am way prettier than she is! I wondered why my learned response (you remember that concept right? Pavlov and the salivating dog experiment? Wiki it if you don't) why my learned response about relationships was ALWAYS based on the physical appearance of people.

I think that my learned response came from my history with myself. There is not one judgment I have ever made about someone else that I have not made first towards myself. I have picked out each and every physical imperfection I have ever had in the mirror and then blamed that on the reason why no guys liked me. When I was in junior high and high school all I wanted was a boyfriend (I have now come to learn that it is because I was starved for male approval, a male role model, and attention from a man, all because of feelings that stemmed from the divorce of my parents.) I tried everything I could think of to get a boyfriend but to no avail. I can now see that I was doing very juvenile things, and I had no idea how to flirt or interact with guys and I was going about everything all wrong, but at the time, all I could attest it to was that I was ugly and fat. No guy was going to want to date me because I was so repulsive. I never thought I was worth a stone’s throw because no boy wanted a romantic relationship with me. (Remember, that is how I used to measure self esteem?) I was certainly my toughest critic. I think that in my explaining my lack of relationships on my physical appearance is what triggered this learned response, why I look at everyone else and physically judge their ability to have or not have a relationship based on that and that alone.

The first step in overcoming is to recognize right? Well, I recognize that I do this. And I hate that I do this. And just because I had low self esteem doesn’t justify my acting like that. I know it is wrong and I am not justified in doing it. I also admire beyond expression those people who can look right past physical appearance into the real heart of a person. I just have always put so much emphasis on my own personal appearance and judged myself accordingly that it just sort of branched out word to judging everyone else on their personal appearance. Those of you who can look to the heart of the man, you are the best people in the world, and as the Doc always says:

 There are enough pretty people in the world, we need more decent people.

I guess that over the past year I have really come to untangle the mess that my brain had gotten itself into in the first 24 years of my life. I guess that it was really the Doc that taught me how to untangle that web. I also guess that the first step to changing all the negative ways I saw and lived life was the untangling of it all, which she has given me. I see things so clearly now and I swear to you it is because I have unscrambled my brain. Everything was cross wired all wrong. Life is so refreshing with all the wires set up correctly and the point of view with which I now see the world. I also want everyone to know that I am working very hard to look to the heart of a person before I make any such judgments, because that is all I can hope for myself. I am not the most beautiful girl on the block, but I do believe my heart just might be. I hope and pray to be surrounded by those who will look at what I have to offer emotionally, not just physically. I cannot expect any less of myself. To be treated with that same respect must be earned. If I don't want the judgments towards myself I cannot dare to judge others. No wonder why Belle has always been my favorite Disney Princess. Subconsciously I knew that I wanted to look at people’s hearts, just like she does. That is one of my most precious goals.

Eureka

So… I had this beautiful epiphany that really hit me one day and I find seriously interesting. It's all about self esteem, and of course the radical feminist movement and what they have to do with each other. I think the approach that I am going to take in explaining this is the same route that my brain took to discover it. So, it all started when I learned exactly what self esteem is and where it comes from. If you have not read One. Gorgeous. Redhead. Go back and read it so that you know where we are in terms of where we get self esteem. A quick summary for those of you who have already read it, remember that self esteem means that you’re impressed with yourself. Not in a cocky or conceited way, but in a way that you respect yourself for the hard work that you accomplish. When you work hard at becoming a better person, when you work hard at setting and excelling in goals, when you work hard at serving and being kind towards others you will find precious, genuine, and untouchable self esteem.

Now, moving forward…

So, the Radical Feminist Movement, remember in this post how it brainwashed and bullied women into believing that being a wife, a mother, and a homemaker were no longer adequate and that unless they are working and bringing home a paycheck they are meaningless human beings? Well, as a result, good parents are hard to find. Women are far too busy with the full time jobs, the cooking, and the cleaning to be fully invested in good parenting. Fathers are either nowhere to be found because they humped and dumped, or they have minimal custody and don't care to spend what little time they do have in good parenting. Even those fathers who are in the home, usually follow the wife’s lead in parenting and typically the wives are too exhausted with all their other responsibilities that parenting takes the back burner. Therefore children are not getting parented anymore. Their parents are too concerned with winning the popularity contest among their children to ever use tough love. Their parents are too tired to stand firm and be consistent. They feel guilty about their lack of involvement that they hand over things like cell phones, iPods, cars, and endless unearned privileges with zero effort made on the part of the children to work towards them. The Radical Feminist Movement took the once important priority to be a good and responsible parent and threw it out the window. It comes last on a long list of far more important things.

So, this epiphany came to me one day while talking to a 13 year old girl. She mentioned to me that she has low self esteem, which was quite evident in her behavior. I thought to myself how sad this is. Yet it is not a surprise at all, in fact across the board I am sure at least 90% of young teens, especially teen girls, you will find low self esteem. Teens these days do not have good self esteem. Why is this I thought? Why is there this sweeping epidemic of low self esteem in our youth? I thought of times in our history and I don't ever recall a time where low self esteem was so prevalent. This is fairly unique to the current generations, beginning some 30 years ago. Why is this? I kept thinking. Why now? What is different now than 30 plus years ago? Why isn’t anyone able to feel decent anymore? Well, this got me to thinking of course where self esteem comes from and how it is obtained. Hard work right. Well, the young kids, especially those growing up as young teens now, know absolutely nothing about hard work. Hard work in school, hard work to earn things, hard work in relationships, hard work at being decent people, hard work in maturing, these are all relatively foreign concepts to our growing generations.

Hard work to buy things is one area where our young children know nothing about. When I was a kid and I wanted to buy something I used to have to earn the money pulling weeks, babysitting, walking dogs, lemonade stands, and all the other typical kid ways of earning money. I felt good about my accomplishments and felt pride in being able to make and manage my own money. As a result, I have had a job since I was 14, I have been financially independent for some time, and I have never been in debt. I have always take pride in my ability to earn and manage money. I have a sense of confidence that I will be able to provide for myself and that has always felt reassuring. Regardless of the low self esteem I had about myself, I have never felt low self esteem in a financially stable way. But I have always had to work hard to be able to feel confident in my abilities. These days I think it’s a combination of guilt and being lazy, but parents just pacify the whining and desires of their children to have expensive toys by handing them over. Requiring nothing in return-- not even good behavior. This leads to the attitude of entitlement, far from self esteem.

Hard work in school is another thing that is foreign to our teenagers. First and foremost, public education is not a challenge to probably 70% or more of our young people. I see this in the classrooms I visit daily. The work is not challenging anyone to work hard for their grades. Those who don't understand, those to whom it does challenge, give up quickly and get into trouble. Those who are lazy and not challenged by school, just sit around. I wrote a 154 page paper for my undergrad degree. (yea, I know I should have a doctorate with that thing.) I am done now but when I was writing it I HATED IT. It was hard. It was a challenge to my brain for sure. It was difficult to manage my time and meet all the deadlines that it required, but I felt good when I finished that sucker. I pushed myself academically, and now I look at the 15 page papers that my siblings are writing and just snicker at how easy they are. Point is, I felt great accomplishment in working hard in school. Not just getting good grades, because good grades in junior high and high school rarely correlate with working hard, but pushing myself academically I learned that I can do difficult things and that makes me proud of my accomplishments. I am confident and have self esteem in that area, because I worked hard to push myself through all the challenges I met in all 16 years of school.

I have always been a pretty selfish person. I am not sure exactly where that trait came from, but while I ponder that answer, I have been working very hard in my friends and family relationships to change that. I make much more of a conscious effort, I am aware, I apologize when I behaved poorly, and I know that one day I will be able to conquer this. This working hard to grow feels good. I feel like I am not just stagnate in my emotional development. Admitting my ugly trait is difficult, and apologizing for poor behavior is anything less than fun, but I can see the growth in my life, even just in baby steps and it feels good. This is another area where my self esteem is earned. Kids these days though, are never challenged by their parents to behave in a more kind and generous way. The very act of spoiling children, as I said, leads to feelings of entitlement, which makes people selfish and rude, unwilling to bend to help people out. People are never going to feel good about themselves as a person if they constantly act selfish and rude and act as though they are entitled. Yet another reason why our young people have such low self esteem.

The connection I have seen is that between poor educational challenges and lazy/guilty parents kids are no longer working for or towards anything. Without hard work, there can be no self esteem. People who accomplish difficult things earn the feelings of esteem that come with that. Kids unfortunately are being robbed of many opportunities to work hard and learn and feel self respect, admiration, and esteem.

So, all you parents out there, I would encourage you to provide many opportunities for your children to work hard and earn self esteem. Don't be lazy. Good parenting is hard. But as the Doc is famous for saying—Don't have ‘em if you won't raise ‘em. You brought them into the world—You are morally obligated to do the right thing by them. Don't just throw electronics and other privileges at them. All they learn is how to be entitled. Is there a bigger turnoff in a person? I can't really think of many.

I mean, remember this entitled nasty? Nuff said.

My Story… How I Found the Doc

Anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed with the Doc. This Doc of course being Dr. Laura Schlessinger, who is referred to by us fans as the moral compass. I found her in about October of 2009 and have been obsessed ever since. At first she was pure entertainment. Her stern, no-nonsense approach to talking with people was funny. These poor callers whom she nagged to death and in some cases embarrassed I just thought were hilarious and I referred to them as pure entertainment.

At that point in my life I was quite a lost soul. I had just gotten dumped, but a very destructive man who used me, and drained the very best of me, and pretty much left me for dead.  I was unhealthy, blaming myself for his lack of human decency and cold soul-less soul. I was depressed, friendless, confused, and desperate. I was convinced that I was trash and that if this man couldn’t love me then no man could. I was very lonely and in my mind I was facing a lifetime with no love. About a year prior to this because of unrelated reasons I had turned against the God I had known and loved for my entire life. I say this to point out that I refused to turn to my God for solace. I was a wreck. I was barely making it day to day. It was all I could muster up to get out of bed half the time. Obviously, I needed an intervention.

Luckily, I was bored with regular radio, so I switched to talk radio. That is when I found her. She was the first person in my life who had ever succeeded in teaching me about life.

In the time since I have found her she has transformed me. First, she got me over my breakup. She got me over the pain, and she got me over the love that I still felt for the creep. She got me over feelings that no one could possibly love me. She got me over the loss that I felt. Then she got me thinking about my mistakes. Mistakes I had made in first off choosing him to date, and secondly the mistakes I made in the relationship. That was invaluable to me. I learned so much from that relationship that I didn’t realize was there to learn, until she pointed it out to me. Then she began to teach me about self esteem, where it comes from, how to get it and how to maintain it. Then I started to grasp the concept of being a wife, not just a wife and not just a good wife, but a perfect wife. I had never ever known how to be a good wife before I found her. No one had ever exemplified good wife-ing to me prior to her. Until the Doc, I didn’t know what it meant to be in a marriage. I didn’t know what marital vows meant or what being unselfish in a marriage looked like. Now, I am confident beyond measure that I know exactly how to make a marriage work. I know exactly how to be the perfect wife. She has taught me about men, the way they think and the way they interact with women. They way they communicate and the way they need to be treated. (Not that I will be a flawless wife, but I at least know how to be one, and have a great idea of where to begin and how to grow into it.)

Then she taught me about perspective. Not necessarily anything she has said on the subject, but more so just in observing her and the perspective she takes. She has the most interesting and wonderful perspective. She challenges the way I think for the better. She has taught me how to look for the positive in the most unpleasant of circumstances. Even things like the death of a loved one or the affair of a spouse. She has taught me about taking responsibility in situations and how the decent and good people take responsibility for their misdeeds. She has taught me about the cherished role of motherhood. She has inspired me to take that role seriously. In all her years as a professional, in all the trainings, education, and awards she has given, in all the good she has done in the past 3 decades of being on radio, the most important thing she has ever done is to be the mother to her son. She is the best parent I have ever known. She is the wisest parent I have ever known.

She is one well rounded amazing person. She has taught me to live life to the fullest. I never imagined getting out of my life what she has allowed me to see. I can't wait to live each day of my life to the fullest. I was indeed living life half of its capacity, half alive, until I found the Doc.

This blog is then my reflections and lessons I gain from interpreting something she has said into my own life. This is how I am growing as a result of her. How I am embracing life, how I am trying to be a better friend, daughter, sister, aunt, future wife and future mother. And it’s my attempt to get you all converted to the Doc. Cause in my perfect world, she would be the end all say all, the leader of us all.