What is in my heart.

Something has been weighing on my heart and on my mind lately. I have decided to share it here today. It's a little more revealing than what I normally would feel comfortable with sharing, but as I have come to the blogging world, I have been inspired by fellow bloggers who share revealing and uncomfortable truths about their lives with me.  So I guess I’d like to share this story as well… as vulnerable as I may feel…

I have this problem see… I block traumatic experiences from my memory.

It's not a good thing, because instead of dealing with past problems, I just block them. Also, when something that I have enjoyed is forced to change, [ie: graduation from high school, finishing my work at Oakcrest, finishing college and moving home, leaving friends behind that I care about because it’s time to close that chapter in my life] I tend to block the good memories from my brain because remembering them reminds me that the people, places and experiences are gone from my life and rather than deal with that pain I just block that it ever happened.

I don't like that I do this.

What has inspired this posting is that I guess for the first time in 3 years I am in the process of unblocking what I once blocked about My Mission. It's been the subject of many sleepless nights the past month.

I guess I will start with the necessary background information. From 2006-2008 I served a mission for my Church. I packed up everything I might need for 18 months into 2 suitcases, left my friends and family behind, and moved to Ukraine, and entire world away.

My Faith has always been important to me and sharing it with others seemed to be what I desired most. My mission to Ukraine was what came of that desire.

For those of you who do not know anything about missions for the LDS Church (which is hard to believe considering how many missionaries there are world wide) a mission location destination is not something you get to decide on for yourself, it is somewhere you get assigned. Also, missions are also completely voluntary. None the less, I had no idea what I was getting myself into.

What started out as a good thing, quickly turned traumatic.

Quite traumatic. Traumatic experiences on so many levels and in so many ways.

Unfortunately I blocked most of it from my memories and I have not allowed myself to spend much time reflecting on it since I came back just over 3 years ago.

However on the flip side, that same mission also provided wonderful experiences for me, mostly in the people and the culture and the language. Unfortunately again, along with the bad memories that I blocked I also blocked the good ones.
 

So about a month ago I started to unblock some of those memories. I am not sure why now… maybe it’s because I am in such a better place in my life and I know I can now handle the traumatic experiences that I have honestly never really dealt with. Whatever the reason for my desire to unblock and remember; I now have a desire to unblock and remember. I have a desire to finally for the first time look at my mission pictures. I am also almost ready to get out my mission journals and read them, for the first time since I wrote them.  

I’ve now been laying in bed for 2 hours and I can't sleep. I just keep thinking about Ukraine and the people I knew. I want to cry because half of my heart is not with me and I just feel so incomplete. I left half of my heart in Ukraine and I have never allowed myself to be aware of and notice that before… notice that half of it is missing. That is until now.  

I finally want to remember. 

I have a heart full of gratitude right now for those good experiences and I really am at a loss for whom to share that gratitude with. Maybe that is where my blog comes in. It is the place where I can share the feelings in my heart without really knowing who is reading.

 Me at Slavonogorsk. The MOST beautiful place in Ukraine, and one of my all time favorite places on earth.

 I want the country to know that I fell madly in love with her. Her history is mesmerizing.
Her art and architecture is breathtaking.

Her language is captivating.

едим, пьем, и играем на гитаре!! 

Her people are fascinating.

This dude was the most brilliant man I've ever personally known. By age 32 he was already a Lawyer, a Pediatrician and a Pilot. He spoke Russian, Ukrainian, Spanish and amazing English. LOVED him!  

Her poverty is heartbreaking.

(All the old war widows have no money, no pensions, and no retirement and must resort to physical labor to make ends meet.)

(This is a typical kitchen. Sometimes there isn't even running water.)

 Her food is delicious. Clearly...

We ran out of silverware many times when we had the elders over. Desperate times ladies and gents.

Her culture is charming.

Lots of Communistic history, of course.

Her ghetto-ness is hysterical.

(All too often we would see things like this. Who would make a playground like this? Only in Ukraine)

I miss the drunks passed out in the stairwells, on the buses, on the sidewalks, and pretty much anywhere else you could imagine.

I miss ghetto elevators that sometimes people peed in: 

I miss public restrooms:

When you got to go you got to go... right? Thankfully I didn't have to go bad enough.

I miss the weather:

I miss cool experiences with cool stories. Like this one:

For the story to this face click here.

She was the easiest place to love that I have ever been. I never felt an ounce of culture shock. What I felt was a place of belonging. I keep seeking those feelings again but every avenue that I have ever or will ever encounter has and will disappoint in comparison to the home I had in Ukraine.

I want the people to know that they are the best people in the world. I want them to know that I was touched in every humanly way possible by their kindness, their hospitality, their hope, their humor, their faith, their ability to love, their capacity to live, their ability to look to the future.

 One of the greatest groups of people in the world.

 I'm speechless about this couple.

I was befriended, I was loved, I was taught, I was accepted, I was admired, and I was mentored by some of the finest people in the world. Some of the greatest friendships that I have ever had in my life were with the Ukrainians I met in my short time there.

My Favorite English students.

I want my Father in Heaven to know that I loved His country and His people and I am grateful for the opportunity for such a small moment in my eternity to have spent some of it among His finest. 

I want Russian to know that I think it is beautiful. It is straight forward yet complicated. It is a language that I now long to hear. I long to look up while walking and see the signs in Russian.

I long to get lost and have to ask a native for directions. I long to learn words like ‘snowman’ from strangers on the marshrootka. I long to smile and nod when I have no idea what I am being told. I long to use my English/Russian dictionary daily. I long to butcher the pronunciation and grammar and be politely corrected by some of the smartest and most patient and helpful people in the world. I long to carry on conversations in Russian. I long to hear people on the street call out to me and ask me if I am an American. I long to hear their beautiful Russian accents as they try to practice their classroom English on me.

I long to spend time with my fellow missionary friends. I long to see Megonov and Missuranko, Belekova and Bigun.

I long to see Doxey and Crawford. I long to talk with Withers and find solace in his friendship. I long to learn from Sem’s positive attitude and just be in her presence.I want to hear another one of Taylor's ridiculous dreams.

(Love these people)

I long to have district meetings again with Gray and Dobrusky and Wacky Cake.

I miss Denis and Crossley.

 
I miss Megoniv  so much. No one, before or since has been able to make me laugh like him.

"NO JEANS!" -Zmoleck

I miss Layne:

Oh the memories. 

I miss Chiddy and Chamberlain.

I don't miss Keriak. {She was the devil}

I miss Permenter's Tennessee Twist. And I miss this:

I miss Denis. I miss him so much.

I miss Medina.

I miss Okcana so much that I can't bear to keep in contact with her because it breaks my heart that I am not with her.

Isn’t that so backwards?

I miss Oleg. I wish I could just open my heart and give it to him. I wish he would be open enough to accept the life changing gift that I offered him.

 "Whatever you wish Oleg. Whatever you wish."

I miss hundreds more.

I wonder about this blocking of traumatic experiences thing that I do. Sometimes I think it has served me, other times it is no bueno… clearly. Because look at all the beautiful experiences I had that I refuse to let myself remember. Look at all the remarkable people that I knew that I don't allow myself to keep in contact with. Look at all the good memories that I don't allow myself to have. I don't want to miss out anymore, but that sort of leaves me lost.

How do you reboot your brain to remember these memories? How do you allow yourself to reflect what has been forbidden to reflect on? How do you reopen your closed heart to soak it all in? How can you enjoy what you have told yourself was not enjoyable for so long? I want to go back and relive so many moments in Ukraine. The bad parts have scarred me so much. They have caused me so much pain. They have caused me so much confusion. They have caused me so much anxiety. Unfortunately I missed out on a lot of positive memories as a result. Bummer.

I think it is time to take my brain, my heart and my awareness back there. I have missed it so desperately.

I am ready to remember.
Ukraine, you are forever my home.

Today...

In my quest to find My Voice on this blog, I have been taking some time off in posting frequently. Most recently I have shared with you 2 of the 3 goals that I have made for the month of April. I am working on some other posts that will chronicle my joys, my hobbies, my growth, my goals, and my experiences, but for now I am happy to report on my April goals. I am doing fabulously on the first goal of washing my face every night. I only failed once because I was seriously way too tired. I barely had the energy to take my shoes off and crawl into bed. But don't worry; I washed my face as soon as I got up the next day to make up for it. As far as the budget is going, I already shared my failure for week 2, but week 3 is much better. I am pretty confident that I will be able to make up for what I spent last weekend and my spending habits have gotten way better. I am now forcing myself to decipher between wants and needs and my wants are just not being as catered to anymore.

My 3^rd goal for the month I have decided to keep private. I will report that while I sometimes don't do as well as I would like, I can see daily growth in the right direction and that is all I can hope for. I am proud of myself for the efforts I am making. This is something that I have been wrestling with for probably the past decade or more, and can't hope to change in just a few weeks, but the growth is all I am after, which I am happy about.  

In my recent attempts to shift this blog into more of  what it needs to become; today I want to share some of the things that I am grateful for, even in my trials. I am going through a lot of difficulties right now in my life, mostly difficulties that have to do with figuring out where to go from here in my life. Educational plans, career plans, financial plans, shifting towards adulthood plans… things of that nature. Lately they have been REALLY stressing me out. Stressing me out to the point that I can't sleep and I may or may not be losing my hair. Through it all, as difficult as it may be, keeping focused on the-glass-is-half-full mentality has really been helping me to stay focused and happy. It has enabled me to enjoy life’s small moments regardless of the bigger struggles.

So…  

Today I am grateful for a job that I love. (One of the most cherished lessons I have learned in my life is to NOT force myself to work at a job that I hate just for money’s sake.) While I don't make much annually, I adore what I do. I recently gave up a job that more than doubled my current annual salary. I gave it up because I was miserable. I am so blessed to know that no price tag can be put on my happiness, and a good job is a huge part of that happiness. While the lack of money is holding me back from some of my life’s dreams, I get to live most of them with just a few bucks. That to me is priceless.

Today I am grateful for choices. I get to decide for myself what I want out of life. While the pressure of making these decisions is keeping me up at night, I am grateful that I get to decide. I don't live in a country or a society where I am told what I will be doing from the government, from a father or from a husband. That is freedom that I cherish. If it were up to someone else to decide what I should be doing with myself I would most likely be stuck in a miserable situation. 

Today I am grateful for summer, even though it is really teasing me right now. I think best when I am in the sunshine. I am looking forward to being able to sit outside and meditate about my future. I have a feeling I will best be able to figure myself out, and find solutions to my current plaguing thoughts in those moments. Also, I can't think of anything I enjoy doing more than taking my bike out for a long ride, playing in a softball game, or watching a baseball game, spitting sunflower seeds all over the bleachers. I wait anxiously all winter long for those times. In these moments my life is peaked with satisfaction. 

 I am grateful for my Father in Heaven. I know that He is mindful of my situation and that His hand is in my life. I am grateful that He is approachable and that He loves me. Even when I get frustrated in the situations I find myself in, I know that they are very insignificant moments in the scheme of things. Keeping that in mind is very rewarding and calming. My faith in Him is strong. 

 Today I am grateful for great friends. While we have what seems sometimes like polar opposite agenda’s for our lives, we keep finding ourselves in similar situations that we have to work out. The comfort and perspective it gives me to have people I love facing similar trials is another priceless component to my life.

Today I am grateful for possibilities. I don't care to go into those at this point in time, but a situation that has once given me an ulcer because of anxiety and worry is, for today anyways, not worrying me. I have peace in my possibilities. 

Today I am grateful for self-worth. This is something I cherish daily, because it is something that I worked hard for. But I suppose that today I am especially grateful for opportunities others have at seeing my self-worth. I had 2 such experiences over the weekend. It is very rewarding.  

Through all the stresses of finding oneself that I am currently facing, I am grateful for life. I am grateful for the little stuff. I am grateful for the good days and for the bad days. I am grateful for the opportunities at growth that I will always have in this life and the sense of fulfillment that comes from effort to improve.

Defenders of the Ungrateful?

“The willingness with which our young people are likely to serve in any war, no matter how justified, shall be directly proportional as to how they perceive the veterans of earlier wars were treated and appreciated by their nation.” George Washington

Some of us don't do real well on this.

I would like to add to this powerful quote by President Washington. These veterans sacrificed for a reason. They sacrificed for freedom, liberty, and honor. They sacrificed for the American flag and what it means. When we don't respect the reason these veterans went to war, why would anyone want to risk and sacrifice their lives just so we can be disrespectful to our freedoms? We need to not only honor and respect the veteran, but we need to honor and respect the reasons why they went to war. 

 

How dare we be so disrespectful to the reason our Defenders die.

My Inner World.

I read this once on the Doc’s Blog:

Friends want to experience each other’s joys and heartaches as part of bonding with and mending each other. I have watched [my friend] put herself out for me, stand up for me, and bend over backwards to make me happy.  I am one lucky woman to have such a blessing in my life.  Friends - really good friends - are a rare commodity:  you have to have just the right chemistry, attitude, understanding, forgiveness, openness, kindness, and thoughtfulness.  A good friend brings all that out in you.  A good friend makes you a better person…… Good friends have each other’s best interests at heart and accept each other’s quirks with humor… And consider yourself very fortunate if you have someone who resonates with you in this lifetime. Reference

Few people in my life have taught me about true friendship. I have been able to make many friends over my high school and college years, but few of them have remained. Few of them I would feel comfortable turning to, seeking advice from. Few of them have taught me about real life. Few of them have stuck by me despite my not always loyal actions. Those few, who have been there for me, have taught me mountains about true friendship. Those few, are girls with whom I can share my inner world. Those friends deserve the best life has to offer. Those friends deserve to be publicly thanked, recognized, and noticed for their contribution to my life. I am a different person having known these 4 gals. Through these girls I am blessed. There are hundreds of different qualities true friends have, these girls have many of those qualities. But as I think of each of them, one quality really comes quickly to mind. Girls, I want you to know the strengths I see in you. Girls, you are my true friends. Girls, here is to you.

Julie

"A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." -Unknown

This girl has Loyalty.

Julie and I met way back in 4^th or 5^th grade. When my parents divorced, my father moved into the home right across the street from Julie. We became buddies whenever I was at my dad’s house for the weekend. Right away I noticed the loyalty Julie had for me. We were 12 years old playing truth or dare and jumping on the trampoline and I could just sense this strong loyalty she had to me. I don't think she knows this, but way back then, that loyalty she had towards me empowered me. It came as a source of great strength and oddly enough, even a source of some self esteem. No one had ever really ever loved me the way that she had and it felt really good. I never really admitted to her how much she meant to me back when we were young teenagers but I would like her to know now. I needed the friendship she so quickly and unconditionally gave to me. And I sensed the loyalty she had towards me right away. I wish I as a young child I could have helped her the way that she helped me. My dad moved away after about 5 years and Julie and I lost touch a little bit until we happened to get the same summer job working at a girl’s camp. Since then this girl and I have basically been inseparable. The loyalty she has towards me (and any of her friends) has just grown stronger and stronger over the years. We have followed a similar pattern in life. We entered the MTC on the same day. She is the one and only that I can tell everything to. She knows the most intimate details of my life. I tell her things I wouldn’t dream of telling any other person on the planet. And through it all, she has never judged me, never betrayed me, never faltered for one instant in her dedication towards me. I didn’t realize just how loyal she was until about a year and a half ago when most of her family betrayed me. I thought she would stay loyal to her family. I am kind of ashamed of thinking that. I didn’t realize the loyalty that is charred into this girl’s soul. Instead she gave up her family to stay loyal to me. I am grateful for this girl who has taught me about loyalty, and so much more. 

 Jessi

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself." -Unknown

This girl is Genuine.

 Jessi is pretty legit. We met senior year of high school. Prior to our meeting I admired her from afar for quite some time, thinking she was out of my league for friendship. She was the most talented and beautiful girl in school. She was the girl that everyone looked up to. I don't remember how we met, but when we did this girl immediately embraced me. I was flattered to say the least. This girl had the opportunity to be friends with anyone, the cream of the crop. Yet she never for a moment ever made me feel less than that. I myself never thought I was cream of the crop, but she did. Over the years I have realized that she has thousands of friends, yet she has the most amazing talent of making you feel like the center of her universe when she is with you. This girl has come to mean a lot to me over the years. She is wise beyond her years and has given me wells of very useful advice. She is strong beyond normal human strength and I found strength in my heartache by the strength she showed in her heartache. This girl is very close to God and her faith has strengthened my own. This girl is creative and has the Midas touch, anything she does turns into beauty. This girl is considerate and has done a lot that has buoyed my spirits over the years. I love this girl. I look up to her. I'm glad that she chose me. 

[Oh, and this girls mamma… one of the most charming people there is to be around. Her influence can be felt immediately. Jackie has no idea how much I look up to and appreciate the person she is!]

 Danger

 “A good friend will bail you out of jail.  A GREAT friend is one who sits beside you and says ‘Wow that was fun!’”

This girl is fun.  

I remember the moment the two of us met. I knew her older sister, who recommended that the two of us become friends. We met at job training for a girl’s camp back in 2006 and instantly we were making each other laugh. If you think you know what laughter is, you don't. Not until you have seen Danger and I together. There is never a dull moment with her. Even in the mist of her heartache, the greatest heartache a person can know, she still had me rolling on the floor. If I need to laugh, I call the D-Dawg. If I need to tell someone a crass joke, she is the first that comes to mind. I can't think of a funnier person in the universe. The humor this beauty possesses is unmatched. She is the one person that I can be 100% most obnoxious self with who is never annoyed with it, but instead embraces it. She is the one to call if you need to be cheered up. She is the person to see if you need to do something crazy. She is always happy. She is always optimistic. She is always laughing. And I can't stop smiling for days after an encounter. She is the girl behind so many of my best stories. I love this one.

Kristen

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us." -Unknown

This girl is supportive.

Truer words could never have been spoken about this girl. Kristen and I met in 2004 while working together at the girl’s camp. We became friends. We got along well, we laughed together… a lot. We invented Sir Pooka and Sir Hollar, at what was certainly the funniest cookout known to man. After the camp was over she went her way and I went mine. Our lives took us in very different paths and we didn’t really stay in touch. We had a small sabbatical we like to say. About a year ago, for some reason (not really some reason—I'm certain that it was because God told her to) she fairly randomly invited me to her birthday party. She didn’t know this at the time, but I had just broken up with the boyfriend, and almost all the friends I had took his side, leaving me with basically no friends. I mean I had friends but I didn’t have any friends that I could hang out and have a social life with. I shyly went to her birthday party, praying that it could be a place I could make friends and she warmly answered my prayer. She took me under her wing, introduced me to her circle of friends, and stood as a beacon of light in my pretty dark world. A year later, she is one of my besties. The changes in my life that this girl is responsible for are have completely one eighty-ed my life. She acted in many ways as a crutch until I could stand on my own. She never judged me for who I was and only inspired me to become better. She took a desire I had gave me the perfect situation with which to foster that desire. I am a better person because of this girl. I have many friends because of this girl. And possibly best of all, I found a travel companion in this girl. I owe this girl.

 The Doc also said,

Frankly, friends are a necessary part of life, and there are all levels of friendships, from acquaintances with whom you can share experiences, to dear friends with whom you can share your inner world.

 

Thanks to my girls, with whom I can share my inner world.

A Military Wife

I am a constitutionalists, and I have a lot of American pride. I appreciate the sacrifices our troops are making in preserving our freedoms. I think that they are underappreciated by many in our country. I would like to offer my gratitude and respect for them at this time. But this is not what this post is about. This post is a post to offer my gratitude and respect for an even more underappreciated group… their families. I can't imagine how difficult it would be to have a husband or a wife overseas. Not able to see every day. Not able to share parenting experiences with. Not to be able to kiss and hold and just be with daily. These men and women are so strong. They are my heroes. I never wish myself to be one of these women; I just don't think that I am up to the challenge. But I honor them, I respect them, and I am grateful for their sacrifices. I can't imagine what it must be like to have a son or a daughter overseas, or to have a mother or a father. Its one thing not to be able to be with your loved ones, but the real difficult thing I think would be to know that at any moment, they may die. To be taken from you and your life forever. That is a worry I hope never to experience, but I am so grateful that people do experience it. Because it means that we have troops to defend our freedoms and our nation. Now if only the citizens back home could defend our freedoms and our nations within our communities and branches of government right here in America the way our troops do overseas. If only we could show a little more gratitude and pride to be Americans. If only we could respect our history and our constitution a little better. I promise to do my part.

I heard this read on the Doc’s show and it really struck a chord. I would like to share it with you all. It's dedicated to the wives of the enlisted military. I am grateful for your sacrifice.
What is a military wife?

They may look different, and each is wonderfully unique but this is what they have in common. Lots of moving. Moving. Moving. Moving far from home. Moving two cars, three kids and one dog, all riding with her of course. Moving sofa’s to basements, because they won't go in this house. Moving curtains that won't fit. Moving jobs and certifications and professional development hours. Moving away from friends, moving toward new friends. Moving her most important luggage, her trunk full of memories. Often waiting waiting waiting. Waiting for housing, waiting for orders, waiting for deployment, waiting for reunion, waiting for phone calls, waiting for the new curtains to arrive, waiting for him to come home for dinner… again.

They call her military dependent, but she knows better. She can balance a checkbook, handle the yard work, and fix a noisy toilet. She can put together a wooden swing set. She is immediately familiar with dry wall anchors and toggle bolts. She can file the taxes, sell a house, buy a car, and set up a move all with one power of attorney. She welcomes neighbors that don't welcome her. Reinvents here career with every PCS. Locates a house in the desert, the Arctic, or the deep south and learns to call them all home, because she makes them all home. She is fiercely independent.

Military wives are somewhat hasty. They leap into decorating, leadership, volunteering, career alternatives, churches, and friendships. They don't have 15 years to get to know people, their roots are short but flexible. They plant annuals for themselves and perennials for those who come after them. Military wives quickly learn to value each other. They connect over coffee, rely on the spouse network and accept offers of friendship and favors, and record addresses in pencil. Military wives have a common bond.

The military wife has a husband unlike other husbands. His commitment is unique. He doesn’t have a job, he has a mission. He can't just decide to quit. He is on call for his country 24/7, but for you, he is the most unreliable guy in town. His language is foreign, TDY, PCS, MOS, FOB, ACU and so a military wife is a translator for her family and his. She is the long distance link to keep them informed, the glue that holds them together. The military wife has her moments. She wants to ring his neck, dye his uniform pink and refuse to move to Siberia, but she pulls herself together. Give her a few days, a travel brochure, a long hot bath, a pledge to the flag and a wedding picture, and she goes. She packs, she moves, she follows. Why? What for? How come? You may think it is because she has lost her mind, but actually it is because she has lost her heart. It was stolen from her by a man who puts duty first, who longs to deploy, who salutes the flag, and whose boots in the doorway remind her that as long as he is her military husband she will remain his military wife.