Soooooo... I am going to start doing a little 'fun for me' segment on the blog… Book Reviews. I love to read, and I want to share my good reads with people. One of the ways I have decided to do this is here on the blog. These will be ranging from self help type books to novels to books with topics about family and politics that I personally find important and that I have enjoyed reading. I am going to start that today; however, today it’s actually going to be a book that I would not necessarily recommend.
Before I tell you what book that is, I am going to tell you a little bit about why I picked it up. I was talking to a good friend, having a thought provoking conversation (as they always are) about qualities to look out for when picking a good man to marry and she mentioned to me 3 qualities to make sure to pick in a husband. I was intrigued and interested to hear what they were, and actually they were quite intuitive. She told me she got them from a book. Since I was impressed with the qualities, I decided to read the book. To her: I actually am not sure if you liked this book or not, so sorry for my somewhat negative review of this book, but I thought it was kind of a cop out. There were about 5 pages in this book that turned out to be valuable; the 3 qualities discussed being a part of that value. The rest of the book, in my opinion, was like total common sense. It was to me like this woman wanted to make money and get credit for taking some common sense and turning it into a book. Perhaps there are some woman who might need to read about some of the common sense things in this book, but personally, I didn’t learn too much.
There is another reason that I don't like this book. I personally am morally against those with children under the age of 18 remarrying. This book is kind of a guidebook on how to do that, how to remarry when you have divorced. The author herself divorced with a small child and remarried. Again, I DO NOT think this is fair or morally correct to do that to children, which is another reason why the book didn’t knock my socks off.
Without further adieu, the book that didn’t knock my socks off is called Dating Secrets for Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell.
So, I am going to take the small amount of valuable knowledge out of this book and summarize what I learned from it. First and foremost, this book is all about learning how to pick a man who is emotionally mature.
The Doc is completely focused on being emotionally mature. This book did help to shed some light on what exactly it means to be emotionally mature. This I agree is the first step to having a good marriage. One point that was made that I did find very interesting was that 15-25% of the population never emotionally mature past the age of 14. Their behaviors stay selfish, they are motivated by rewards or punishments, and acknowledgements. They long for love, approval and acceptance but they make little connection to their responsibility to love. They largely don't know any better, it’s like a light never turned on in their minds. (p. 33) These are the kinds of people that do not make good spouses and should not be married, and if as much as 1 in 4 are like this, we spouse hunters really have to keep our eyes open. Those who are emotionally mature are first of all Empathetic.
Empathy is the first quality of the emotionally mature. I am sure that most of you understand what empathy looks like. Looking past oneself to the feelings, needs and rights of others shows empathy. Those who are quick to anger, or who are capable of backstabbing are not empathetic. There is a whole page of what a non-empathetic person looks like in this book (and if you don't know, you can go check the book out, read this small section, and return the book.) I thought that was an interesting first quality. I appreciated that point of view.
Quality number 2: Self Control. Is this person able to exercise self control? Self control comes in lots of areas. Obviously drug, alcohol, and sexual addictions are a big sign of someone not having self control. But some of the less obvious ones may be uncontrollable spending of money or even jumping from one relationship to another very quickly. Again, there is a whole page in the book listing what behaviors someone who lacks self control may possess. And another thought provoking quality for me.
Third quality, accepting responsibility. Someone who has emotionally maturity can accept responsibility. They don't blame, lie, or excuse their behavior. They apologize when wrong, don't justify, or manipulate. Another fairly self explanatory quality, yet thought provoking.
So those are the 3 qualities that an emotionally healthy person will have. It gives me great perspective towards myself, what I need to work on and where I still am emotionally immature. It also helps me in my spouse hunting to make the wisest choice in my future. I appreciated these 3 pages in the book. There were a few small things I did get out of the book that I enjoyed. Some are things I have mentioned on the blog, others are things I still plan to mention. I will summarize.
One thing that Alisa mentioned in this book was about men loving to sacrifice. This goes right along with the pre-marital sex problems I have mentioned previously. She says that men see no point in sacrificing for things they can get for free. When toys, cars, money, or women come easily, a man is quick to enjoy them in the moment and then forget about them just as quickly. (p.96) Although she was not talking about premarital sex, I felt it was applicable and I appreciated the point made.
She also echoed the point I made about being single yet still living life and not pausing your life to whine about what is wrong with it. Do not live she says as if your life will only begin when you are in a relationship. (p. 112) I liked that, because all any of us really has is time, so with or without all our dreams in place, let’s not stop living.
So there you have it. My not so enthusiastic book review of Dating Game Secrets to Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell. And like I said, I really appreciate the 3 qualities that an emotionally person has, and other than the few valuable one liners here and there, I found the rest of the book to be a little bit basic and containing mostly common sense. And unless you have no idea what a controlling or abusive man acts like, and I do mean NO IDEA, then I would not send you in the direction of this book.
Hahaha, I didn't even read this whole book! I only read the first chapter or two, liked the bit about the pillars of emotional maturity, and then thought about them on my own and turned them into my own type of thing and something I could reiterate to someone else. The only other thing I liked about the sections I read was that she put words to some of the feelings I was having at the time and really validated how I felt after having just gone through a terrible break up with an emotionally immature man. But yes, a lot of what I read was common sense, which is why I didn't read any further. Props to you for reading the whole thing! Love you.
ReplyDeleteWell, to be honest, I didn't read the WHOLE thing. I skimmed some and read some. I read every subject heading and stopped on those I might be able to get something out of. But I rarely found anything worthwhile, and usually when I did she was quoting other professionals. But I did love the pillars of emotional maturity. But otherwise she was kinda lame. But I'm glad you got out of it what you needed and I'm glad your life is like it is now. And I love you too.
ReplyDeleteliked the bit about the pillars of emotional maturity, and then thought about them on my own and turned them into my own type of thing and something I could reiterate to someone else.
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