I Got No Spit.

Jaws has always scared the crap out of me. 

 Things like

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."

and 

"I got no spit." 

 It just gives me the creeps to think about being in that cage. I can't believe people do that for reals!

Shark attacks always scare the crap out of me. I can think of about a thousand ways I would rather die. The very thought is so terrifying that it keeps me out of the ocean in most circumstances. Terrifying as these sharks are, today I am going to talk about a different shark attack subject.

A Book Review.

 The book that I will be reviewing today is the latest and greatest Dr. Laura book called Surviving a Shark Attack on Land. Overcoming Betrayal and Dealing with Revenge. 

While I know its not a book on a life threatening shark attack subject from Jaws himself, shark attacks on land (betrayals and back stabbings) are very real, very scary and very painful.

This book of hers came out just in January and it actually was not one that I was planning on reading any time soon. I have lots of other books I would rather read first. But I saw it at the library and checked it out just to be able to glance at it… skim through it. I do this a ton—check out books I actually have no intention of reading through. I don't know, one of many weird quirks about me. But I couldn’t sleep one night and just picked it up out of a stack of about 10 other library books checked out for the same reason. It was a very quick and very easy read. I finished it in just 2 sittings.

I have to be very honest right now when I say for me it was just meh. Nothing really earth shattering or life changing for me in this book. This was probably because most of the things she goes over in this book are things I have heard many times before on her radio program and since they were not new ideas to me, they had lost their allure. Another reason why this book was just meh for me was that it wasn’t really applicable to my life right now. Sure I have been stabbed in the back before but the feelings that I had then are not feelings that I have now, I have been able to get over the backstabbing and betrayal and dealing with the intense revengeful feelings I felt. (Although at the time I think this book could have really helped.)

So, the content of the book, quickly, is all about getting screwed over—backstabbed by people. All the feelings of hurt that come with that… how do you best deal with them? This book is kind of a how to on the subject. (Who is a better expert with this than the Doc herself right?) Over her 30 years of getting backstabbed and thrown into shark frenzies she had learned a thing or 2 about how to deal with those feelings of hurt. Also, those feelings of revenge that immediate follow backstabbing—you ALL know you have felt them—she goes over how best to deal with those feelings and how to get revenge without doing anything illegal, immoral, fattening, or that changes your character. 

Now, I want people to know that I do not follow the Doc blindly. I have a mind of my own and I use it. I don't just swoon over everything that she says or does. The reason why I like her so much is because she challenges the way I think. No other person has ever consistently been able to do that for me before. I am such an analytical person that challenging the way I think is HUGE for me. This book was very simple for me and honestly didn’t contain much meat that I could sink my teeth into, but it did have a few mind challenges for me, and I want to sum those up for you.

I am not going to summarize any more of the book, because you can do your own internet research on that. I would first like to summarize what I got from it, and finally, my personal experience with betrayal and the lessons I took away from that.

So, onto what I got from it. There were 3 things that really made me think. First and the most interesting part to me were the reasons why people backstab. She encourages you to take your experiences with backstabbing and figure out the motive. Paint the true picture of your betrayer. 

Some of the reasons why people backstab are because of…

·         Possessiveness. They backstab to eliminate competition.

·         Entitlement. They backstab because they feel they should be compensated.

·         Competition. They backstab in order to get something from you.

·         Defensiveness. They backstab because they don't agree with what you’ve said or the values you choose to have.

·         Greed. They backstab in order to gain money and posessions.

·         Jealousy. They backstab in order to ruin the happiness of others they think are happier than they are.

·         Unhappiness. They betray vows, obligations, and responsibilities because they are unhappy.

·         Identity. They backstab because it makes them feel powerful, and important.

·         Evil. Sometimes people are just evil.

·         Expedience. They backstab and betray you simply because it served them in that moment. Those are the kind of betrayals that are prevalent in the movies. New girl comes to school and isn’t cool. Someone genuinely befriends them, and then the popular girls want to hang only if she will betray her first friend. These are possibly the most painful of betrayals because you know you did not mean anything to that person, you were only being used.

This was a very stimulating list I felt was well thought out by the Doc.

The next thing that really struck me in this book was actually not from the Doc but a quote that she used.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” –Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I never want to be a silent ‘friend’ who simply stands by while my friends are attacked, betrayed or belittled. I always want to be the one to volunteer to go down with the ship. I never want to be the betrayer who just stood by and watched another be attacked. A conscious goal I now have thanks to reading that.

The third thing that I really took from this book is that while the feelings of wanting revenge are real, and while they are strong and overpowering, you cannot allow them to lead you to do something that goes against your morale. My favorite and probably to me the most powerful line in this book was:

“The type of vengeance we choose to administer is a window into our character and a building block for our souls.” –Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

I was once betrayed by some people that I loved. I thought they too loved me but reflecting back on it, I can see that their betrayal was somewhere between entitlement, identity and expedience. It was overwhelming. It completely destroyed me and my entire life. I had to rebuild from scratch. Almost 2 years later I have done a damn fine job if I do say so myself. It is far superior than any life with them ever was, and I am certain that it is far superior than my life would ever have been if I’d continued on in the friendships with no betrayal. Because of this, I have realized that this shark attack was a blessing in disguise. And, as the Doc says, many shark attacks are a blessing in disguise. I can't help but agree. One of her closing remarks is that “I no longer fear shark attacks. I don't enjoy them, but I know that after the bloodletting, it’s up to me to make it a blessing and not a burden.” I may not go so far as to say that I don't fear shark attacks; I don't have that much experience. But I do love and adopt the idea that one of the best way to move forward from them is to find the blessing in disguise that is almost always there. Take the crap life hands you and make the best of it. Stop Whining. Start Living. 

My father once told me (in the mist of this betrayal actually, as I was sharing my desires for revenge) that the best revenge was to become a successful and good person, better person than your betrayer. If in fact the person who tried to destroy you can in the future see that his or her attempts failed, that could possibly be the sweetest form of revenge. And as Drew Barrymore says to her betrayers in the film Ever After: “I want you to know that I will forget you after this moment, and never think of you again. But you, I am quite certain, will think about me every single day for the rest of your life.”

Our betrayers obsess about us. It is freeing to forget about them as the insignificant mean people that they are and continue on to become strong, kind, and successful people.
I have reflected on my fathers’ advice hundreds of times over the past 2 years. It has helped me and pulled me through many feelings of betrayal.

Shark attacks suck. They are heartbreaking. No one should ever have to deal with them, but the bottom line is everyone will at some point. I believe we should be teaching our children how to deal with betrayal, because it is a matter of when, not if. If they are prepared prior to the feeding frenzy they will come out stronger survivors. If you are no good at dealing with the feelings of hurt or the need for revenge, go pick up this book and see what it does for you.

Finding Something Else.

I have mentioned before that my motto as a SAHM will be “Find something else to eliminate besides you.” Meaning that my job as a SAHM will be to budget and cut costs in every which way possible and figure out all of the non necessities in life and eliminate every single thing that isn’t necessary, besides me in order to stay on budget. That budget will consist of whatever my husband makes. Period. Even if that means we live below the poverty line. I will find other things to eliminate from the home besides me. It is my opinion that 2 income families are never really necessary. They are just wanted. The family wants to have cable TV. The family wants to drive nice cars. The family wants to live in a big house in big cities. The family wants to wear nice clothes, so if dad’s salary can't provide that, mom goes back to work. It's kind of a bummer attitude to have in society, I think. But I am going off on a tangent now actually. This posting is not in order to defend my opinion about the fact that 2 income families are not necessary. This posting is to give myself and others some ideas on how to budget. The idea actually came to me from… The Doc, did any of you know that I am obsessed with her? Well, I am, but that is also besides today’s point. She often tells stories of when her son Deryk was younger. He was a toddler and money was tight in their home. She was a SAHM and was not interested in working during the day. (She did some work, but it was from 5am-7am when Deryk was sleeping and in the evening after husband Lew was home and Deryk was asleep.) One of the best ways she found to cut costs was only to have one car in their family. So, her husband Lew drove their only car to work and Dr. Laura hung out with Deryk during the day finding places they could go and things they could do on foot or by bicycle. When I first heard this, I was actually shocked. My initial reaction of shock was more so that I couldn’t believe it was possible to live or function without a car. How could a SAHM not have a car? A car equals freedom, a car equals activities and adventures that otherwise might not be possible, a car is just a basic human need isn’t it? Or is it… I got to thinking about this, and at first I admired her for her willing sacrifice but openly admitted that I would never be able to make that same sacrifice to stay at home. Well, this was over a year ago, and since then I have done a lot of thinking about her level of sacrifice to be a SAHM. Also since then, I have changed my way of thinking, from all the things a person could not do if they didn’t have a car, to pondering all the ways a person could make life work without a car. Because as the years have continued, my resolve and

dedication to be a SAHM at any cost continues to grow and if it were really to come down to it, I have come to the conclusion that I really would give up a car to stay at home with my kids. (I am hoping and praying that it does not come down to that, but if it does, consider this my promise to all of you. I said it, and you can hold me to it.) What a challenge it would be. What a sacrifice it would require. What creativity I would need. But I have decided it is possible. It is something I am pondering how to make work. Going grocery shopping on Saturdays when the one car we have is available, riding bikes everywhere within riding distance and saving big outings and fieldtrip activities for the weekends, walking to local parks and recreation centers, and utilizing public transportation are all ways I have come up with to still get out of the house and survive mommy life without a car. In instances where having a car for the day is absolutely necessary, I could drop off and pick up husband from work. It is possible. Not a pleasant thought, but it is possible to live in today’s world without a car. Just imagine how much exercise my children and I would get walking and riding our bikes everywhere.

My point in this post is to bring up and point out the fact that the things most of us have labeled necessities are not actually necessities. Until I began to think about it, I never really thought that it was possible to function without a car, now I have realized that it is more possible than I would like to admit sometimes. What other things have we as a society deemed necessities that are actually not necessities? Internet. Could I imagine a home without internet? I think I would go crazy. I would actually give up my car more easily than I could give up home internet, but internet is not a necessity. I could always go to the public library and use the free internet there. What about cable TV? Or having DVR. Pretty sure my life was not complete until I had a DVR at my fingertips. Now that I have one, I could never go back to regular television… or could I? Cell phones? Nowadays cell phones have basically replaced home phones so having a cell phone may be necessary. But I will tell you what is not necessary— things like smart phones, internet on cell phones, cell phones that double as iPods or GPS systems. A modest cellular phone that does the basic calling and text messaging is really all that is arguably necessary. The convenience and peace of mind that comes from having a cell phone I will admit may be a necessity in today’s world. But there are ways we can cut back. A good friend of mine and someone I admire greatly has blogged the following about her goal to eliminate non-necessities and simplify her life. I think it adds a great deal to the point I am trying to make and I think it would be of benefit for any of you out there to read. You can find it here at Hopes and Dreams.

She resolved to get rid of her I-Phone, and after a month of this simplification, she shared THIS experience.

Bottom line is that there are things in our home that we women can eliminate without eliminating ourselves from the home and putting us in the work force. This motto I have basically engraved upon my heart and upon my desire to be a SAHM in the future has come from the Doc. She is the first person I heard say, “Find something else to eliminate besides you.” Since first hearing it, I have put in endless hours of thought as to just how exactly I can do that. Luck has nothing to do with being a SAHM. It's about making that the number one priority in your family and sacrificing all that is necessary to have that priority become a reality.

I would love to hear if any of you have other ideas about things you can eliminate or sacrifices that you have made in order to stay at home with your kiddos.

2 Week Report.

Well kiddos, it’s been 2 weeks. Some of you may remember that I made the goal in THIS POST not to watch television or get on Facebook for 2 weeks and I would like to report that I have successfully done that for the past 2 weeks. Just wanted to blog about my experience. First of all, I learned some things about myself. Secondly, boy oh boy did I have so much more time for things. I didn’t realize just how much time I used to spend on the tube.

Probably the most significant accomplishment I noticed was that in just 2 weeks, without making any other changes to my daily routine besides cutting out television I was able to complete reading 2 ½ books. I will be doing a book review about 1 of them and possibly 2, in the near future, so stay tuned. It has been a long time since I have devoured a book that quickly, so it was a nice reminder to see just how much I can accomplish in just a few short days of reading before bed. 

Second thing I noticed was how much more sleep I got. I am a total tube watcher before bed. In fact probably 85% of my TV watching happens when I am laying in bed getting ready to sleep. I will typically watch an episode or 2 of my favorite show, which I TiVo. Since they are about 22 minutes a piece when I get don't fast forwarding through the commercials it gets really easy to say “I will just watch one more before I go to bed.” One more quickly can turn into 3 or 4 more and I am always fighting the fatigue to stay up and just finish the next one. This typically takes at least 1-2 hours of sleep away from me. So I totally noticed being more rested these past 2 weeks than I have been in a long time. I don't typically fight the fatigue when I read. I will put the book down and go to bed when I start getting tired. Not sure why I don't just do that with the television, but I don't. Maybe that is something I can work towards in the future.

I also noticed something about my television temptation. If it is off, I am practically NEVER tempted to turn it on. Especially when I had a goal not to. However once it is on, it is SO hard for me to turn it off. I will just get into a show that I have to finish. And then once that show is finished the next show comes on and immediately I am drawn in for another 30 minutes to an hour. Not having the television on was like out of sight out of mind. I didn’t care what was on because I didn’t know what was on.

I seriously loved not watching television for 2 weeks. I have decided to make another goal for the upcoming weeks but I am not sure what yet. I think it’s going to be weekends only, because then it’s not a ‘school night’ that I am staying up late on. I have not decided exactly what my future television goal will be, but I am excited not to watch it as much as I did.

On to Facebook. First of all, I will say that this was a much bigger temptation for me but only at times that I was bored. There were several times in the past 2 weeks that I was bored standing in line at the post office and would have liked to check it out, or waiting for my sister to be ready to go somewhere and wanted to just take a quick glance. The problem I have had in the past is that those little glances happen probably 10 times a day. That is when Facebook gets tedious. I see the same status updates over and over and over and yet I keep looking. It was refreshing not to be looking 10 times a day at the same updates.

I used to have a little FB icon on my phone that I would just tap whenever I was bored. I deleted it for these 2 weeks and I now plan to keep it off. It has been nice finding something else to do in those moments when I was bored.  I am also going to keep some kind of goal up for Facebook. Maybe only checking it once or twice a week on designated days. It was refreshing not to be under its spell for 2 weeks. Oh, and you know what else was nice… I usually always narrate my life to myself through FB status updates. I don't know if the rest of you ever do this but I always think about my life in status updates. Thankfully I only post about 10% of what I actually think to post, but this week I knew I wouldn’t be posting anything so I quit thinking as much in status updates. Plus I realized that while those little events may be somewhat interesting to me, they really are stupid tidbits into my life that no one should even care about. And I feel the same way about most of your updates too guys. They are stupid details about your daily lives that I just don't care about. I guess more than anything I realized just how much of a STUPID black hole FB is and I successfully and refreshingly pulled myself away from it for 2 whole weeks. Something I plan to continue to pull myself away from in the future. I will never use FB in the same way as I used to.

One of the final things I have decided on due to my experience the past 2 weeks is that Netflix is going bye bye. I am cancelling my Netflix membership. That is another black hole, where if you request 1 film, 8 others pop up and you get to decide if you want to watch those too. I have requested many films for one reason or another that ended up being the dumbest movies of all time, and I totally wasted the time I spent watching them. I am frankly tired of watching dumb movies because Netflix recommended them. The other thing that bothers me is that I won't be in the mood to watch a movie, or I will be too busy or too tired to watch a movie but because the film came in the mail I feel obligated to watch it and return it so I can get as many movies watched each month to get the most out of my membership fee. Dumb I know. It's just not worth having that obligation. I don't want to feel obligated to watch another Netflix movie! So now it’s Sayonara Netflix. Netflix is a very cool service, I will not deny. Whomever invented it is brilliant, especially the instant streaming. I admittedly will probably get it again at some point, but for now I am going to read more as I rid myself of the black holes in our technological world.

Overall I had an amazing experience. It was not nearly as difficult as I imagined and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone.

The Problems with Public Schools. Part 2. The Miss Diagnosis of ADHD.

I have spent some time discussing how public schools don't really do much for those who are naturally bright and who work hard. Another tragedy I see happening in public schools comes from my work as a social worker. I see it FAR TOO OFTEN, how quickly we as a society like to diagnose young boys with ADHD. The situation: A child is not staying with the class. I see this for two reasons, either the material is too easy or too difficult. If it is too easy, the child gets finished quickly and gets distracted with their free time. They may be chatty to their neighbors or they may get into daydreaming, which may be difficult to pull them back from. What does a spectator immediately default to? The child has ADHD. Time for ridilin. If the material is not too easy, it is usually too hard. If a child is not able to get the one on one attention and help that they need (and with the student to teacher ratio in the classroom, it’s impossible to give that attention), they are pretty much unlikely to just sit there and stare at their homework until it just magically clicks. They are likely to not try, and they get distracted by their friends talking or by some other kind of stimuli. This quickly gets them the same diagnosis--- the professionals tend to default to ADHD more often than not… Let us drug them into submission.

Public schools are highly designed to the way girls learn. Girls can sit still longer, they can focus on less abstract concepts and they are more emotional. Boys are more abstract and straight forward. And they cannot focus for extended periods of time, they get restless. Schools are tailored around the girls, and when the boys do not fit into the mold, they are labeled problems, called ADHD and 

 drugged to fit. The Doc, brilliant as she is, fit into these categories as a child. She once blogged about it:

When I was a child in school, my parents were called in each and every year to have a conference with the principal about my inattention, underachievement, and disruption of the class because I talked too much - all the things that would have me doused in Ritalin today.

I get way too many calls from mothers that their local school is threatening to drug their child (usually a son) with Ritalin to cure his ADHD, and thereby control his behavior.  I always tell them: NO. There are numerous reasons why children (and especially boys) won’t sit still and won’t pay attention.  Sometimes they’re bored, sometimes there is so much turmoil at home that they’re acting out, and sometimes they just have so much energy that they can’t sit still.  Schools have virtually thrown out recess breaks and physical education.  Sometimes, too, they’re just the sort of kids who need more one-on-one attention in order to keep focused.

It's a damn shame that as a society we jump so quickly to pop-psych labels and want to diagnose everyone we see and everyone we know with having something. Some 20-30 years ago it was Agoraphobia. Everyone was an agoraphobic. Now days everyone is bi-polar. Anyone who has an anger problem is bi-polar. Anyone who doesn’t accept responsibility for their imperfections uses the excuse as being bi-polar. And unfortunately, anytime a little boy is not able to sit still for more than 5 minutes, he is called ADHD by his parents and teachers. It's a damn shame.

There was a mental health professional named Michael White who practiced family therapy in and around the 1970’s until he died a couple years ago. He came up with a theory we call Narrative Therapy which basically says that he didn’t believe in mental illnesses. He believes that people create them so that those people have an excuse to behave a certain way. We create expectations for ourselves because of the labels we have given ourselves. I am definitely not about to adopt this theory as complete and total truth, but it is such a reflection of the self fulfilling prophecy that I absolutely believe it has some creed. I think that once a young kid has been labeled ADHD they will forever carry that label with them and use it as an excuse for the rest of their lives. Their parents will also enable them with that label. “Little Johnny or Janie can't do that because he/she has ADHD.” That is bologna if you ask me. Once our poor kids have this label, it stays with them forever and they never put the same expectations on themselves that they would have otherwise. I wish instead of labeling kids with ADHD, we worked more closely with them to understand concepts and challenge them on a level that is appropriate to them personally, not a group of 30 other kids their age. (All things that would happen in a homeschooling situation.)

****Now sure, ADHD is a real diagnosis. I am not saying that 100% of diagnoses are false. What I am saying though is that many of them are false, and the usual default treatment is drugs, not 1 on 1 attention. The Drake Institute in Los Angeles is one of the few places that I have ever heard of that will treat ADHD, and many other common learning setbacks without one single drug. Go check them out, especially before you put any of your kids on drugs. They are fabulous.

Dear Future Husband,

Pleeeeeeease make my dreams come true.

Pleeeeeeease say we can live in Cali. Maybe San Diego. Or San Fran. Long Beach, Orange County-- whatev. I just need Cali.

I NEED the beach.
I NEEED the sunshine.
I NEEEED the boardwalk.

I NEEEEED the year round 60-70 degree weather.

I NEEEEEED to be able to wear sandals 365.

I NEEEEEEED to throw away my winter coat and my windshield scraper.

I NEEEEEEEED to become a sailboat racer.

I NEEEEEEEEED to eat crabs at the boardwalk crab shack.

I NEEEEEEEEEED to go fishing off the pier.

I NEEEEEEEEEEED to admire all the local boardwalk artists and always bring something home.

This needs to be me: 

And I need to walk here. 

And swim in this.

And look out my window and see this.

And this.

 

And my toes need to play like this.

Are. You. Kidding. Me.

Why oh why do I live here.

Siiiiigh.

So, it would be great if you could just be really rich so we could just quit our jobs and live riiiiiiight here.

kthanksloveyoubye.


Alright all you tough realistic critics. A girl can dream right? Sue me. 

Eureka

So… I had this beautiful epiphany that really hit me one day and I find seriously interesting. It's all about self esteem, and of course the radical feminist movement and what they have to do with each other. I think the approach that I am going to take in explaining this is the same route that my brain took to discover it. So, it all started when I learned exactly what self esteem is and where it comes from. If you have not read One. Gorgeous. Redhead. Go back and read it so that you know where we are in terms of where we get self esteem. A quick summary for those of you who have already read it, remember that self esteem means that you’re impressed with yourself. Not in a cocky or conceited way, but in a way that you respect yourself for the hard work that you accomplish. When you work hard at becoming a better person, when you work hard at setting and excelling in goals, when you work hard at serving and being kind towards others you will find precious, genuine, and untouchable self esteem.

Now, moving forward…

So, the Radical Feminist Movement, remember in this post how it brainwashed and bullied women into believing that being a wife, a mother, and a homemaker were no longer adequate and that unless they are working and bringing home a paycheck they are meaningless human beings? Well, as a result, good parents are hard to find. Women are far too busy with the full time jobs, the cooking, and the cleaning to be fully invested in good parenting. Fathers are either nowhere to be found because they humped and dumped, or they have minimal custody and don't care to spend what little time they do have in good parenting. Even those fathers who are in the home, usually follow the wife’s lead in parenting and typically the wives are too exhausted with all their other responsibilities that parenting takes the back burner. Therefore children are not getting parented anymore. Their parents are too concerned with winning the popularity contest among their children to ever use tough love. Their parents are too tired to stand firm and be consistent. They feel guilty about their lack of involvement that they hand over things like cell phones, iPods, cars, and endless unearned privileges with zero effort made on the part of the children to work towards them. The Radical Feminist Movement took the once important priority to be a good and responsible parent and threw it out the window. It comes last on a long list of far more important things.

So, this epiphany came to me one day while talking to a 13 year old girl. She mentioned to me that she has low self esteem, which was quite evident in her behavior. I thought to myself how sad this is. Yet it is not a surprise at all, in fact across the board I am sure at least 90% of young teens, especially teen girls, you will find low self esteem. Teens these days do not have good self esteem. Why is this I thought? Why is there this sweeping epidemic of low self esteem in our youth? I thought of times in our history and I don't ever recall a time where low self esteem was so prevalent. This is fairly unique to the current generations, beginning some 30 years ago. Why is this? I kept thinking. Why now? What is different now than 30 plus years ago? Why isn’t anyone able to feel decent anymore? Well, this got me to thinking of course where self esteem comes from and how it is obtained. Hard work right. Well, the young kids, especially those growing up as young teens now, know absolutely nothing about hard work. Hard work in school, hard work to earn things, hard work in relationships, hard work at being decent people, hard work in maturing, these are all relatively foreign concepts to our growing generations.

Hard work to buy things is one area where our young children know nothing about. When I was a kid and I wanted to buy something I used to have to earn the money pulling weeks, babysitting, walking dogs, lemonade stands, and all the other typical kid ways of earning money. I felt good about my accomplishments and felt pride in being able to make and manage my own money. As a result, I have had a job since I was 14, I have been financially independent for some time, and I have never been in debt. I have always take pride in my ability to earn and manage money. I have a sense of confidence that I will be able to provide for myself and that has always felt reassuring. Regardless of the low self esteem I had about myself, I have never felt low self esteem in a financially stable way. But I have always had to work hard to be able to feel confident in my abilities. These days I think it’s a combination of guilt and being lazy, but parents just pacify the whining and desires of their children to have expensive toys by handing them over. Requiring nothing in return-- not even good behavior. This leads to the attitude of entitlement, far from self esteem.

Hard work in school is another thing that is foreign to our teenagers. First and foremost, public education is not a challenge to probably 70% or more of our young people. I see this in the classrooms I visit daily. The work is not challenging anyone to work hard for their grades. Those who don't understand, those to whom it does challenge, give up quickly and get into trouble. Those who are lazy and not challenged by school, just sit around. I wrote a 154 page paper for my undergrad degree. (yea, I know I should have a doctorate with that thing.) I am done now but when I was writing it I HATED IT. It was hard. It was a challenge to my brain for sure. It was difficult to manage my time and meet all the deadlines that it required, but I felt good when I finished that sucker. I pushed myself academically, and now I look at the 15 page papers that my siblings are writing and just snicker at how easy they are. Point is, I felt great accomplishment in working hard in school. Not just getting good grades, because good grades in junior high and high school rarely correlate with working hard, but pushing myself academically I learned that I can do difficult things and that makes me proud of my accomplishments. I am confident and have self esteem in that area, because I worked hard to push myself through all the challenges I met in all 16 years of school.

I have always been a pretty selfish person. I am not sure exactly where that trait came from, but while I ponder that answer, I have been working very hard in my friends and family relationships to change that. I make much more of a conscious effort, I am aware, I apologize when I behaved poorly, and I know that one day I will be able to conquer this. This working hard to grow feels good. I feel like I am not just stagnate in my emotional development. Admitting my ugly trait is difficult, and apologizing for poor behavior is anything less than fun, but I can see the growth in my life, even just in baby steps and it feels good. This is another area where my self esteem is earned. Kids these days though, are never challenged by their parents to behave in a more kind and generous way. The very act of spoiling children, as I said, leads to feelings of entitlement, which makes people selfish and rude, unwilling to bend to help people out. People are never going to feel good about themselves as a person if they constantly act selfish and rude and act as though they are entitled. Yet another reason why our young people have such low self esteem.

The connection I have seen is that between poor educational challenges and lazy/guilty parents kids are no longer working for or towards anything. Without hard work, there can be no self esteem. People who accomplish difficult things earn the feelings of esteem that come with that. Kids unfortunately are being robbed of many opportunities to work hard and learn and feel self respect, admiration, and esteem.

So, all you parents out there, I would encourage you to provide many opportunities for your children to work hard and earn self esteem. Don't be lazy. Good parenting is hard. But as the Doc is famous for saying—Don't have ‘em if you won't raise ‘em. You brought them into the world—You are morally obligated to do the right thing by them. Don't just throw electronics and other privileges at them. All they learn is how to be entitled. Is there a bigger turnoff in a person? I can't really think of many.

I mean, remember this entitled nasty? Nuff said.

The Square Peg and the Round Hole.

So due to a little life hiccup that I recently went through, I had to take some time off from blogging. But now I'm Baaaaaack. Without going into too much detail about the events that I have recently experienced, I want to tell you a little story about the past 2 weeks. What happened was that I attempted to force my life into a direction that I should never have went into. It was nothing immoral, illegal, or fattening, but a direction that I should have known I didn’t belong in. I knew deep down that I was not going to be able to fit my square pegged life into the round hole that this direction required. Fortunately, I learned quickly that I don't belong in that direction and I was able to remedy the situation with few ramifications. I am ever grateful now that I had the opportunity to reinforce the inclination I had prior that my life did not belong in that round hole.  Now I KNOW that my life does not belong in that round hole. I am a square peg through and through.

The most joy I have felt in the past 2 weeks was when I decided that as a square peg I don't belong in a round hole, and embracing that is the best decision I have made in a long time. As of yesterday, I am back where I belong and I couldn’t be happier. I have learned amazing things about myself and about my abilities, desires, goals, and priorities. I am grateful for supportive and understanding people in my life. I am grateful for those who put themselves out to assist me in what I needed. I am thankful for friends and family for helping me, talking to me, being patient with me, and reinforcing the conflicting decisions I made so quickly to each other.

I am back to my square pegged life where I belong. I am relieved to be here. I am in love with my life again. And bottom line, I know my limitations and I won't force myself beyond them. (This does not mean that I don't force myself to learn and grow. Painful as that can be it is necessary and brings great joy. This is not the kind of limitations I am talking about not forcing, quite different actually.) I would encourage each and every one of you to do the same. Learn your limitations and don't force what isn’t there. Do what you love. Life is too short to be unhappy in any avenue of your life.

And I lived happily ever after…

The Problems with Public Schools. Part 1. The Academics.

How many of you guys noticed that there is an entire list of blogs on my blog all dedicated to the Homeschooling Parent? When I created this blog, I wanted to be sure to include these resources because I am a BIG supporter of homeschooling. I have been planning since the creation of Living Half Alive to be posting about homeschooling and my feelings about it… I figured I’d better get around to it. So, without further adieu, this is a shout out to the homeschooling community (which is bigger than you might guess.)

Fact about me: I am a future homeschooling parent. Another fact about me: I am turned off to the umpth degree with public schools. They disgust me. They frustrate me. They scare me. Now, first and foremost—this is not a dis on the teacher. For the most part, the teacher is not the problem. The teacher is only able to work with what they are given, and most teachers that I know and work with do their very best with what they are given, which isn’t much. Most teachers I know are golden. There are some schmucks who ruin the reputation of all the rest, but overall, I am a fan of the teacher. I respect the teacher. I love what they do. I love what they get gray hair trying to do. I love what they stand for and why they became teachers. The problem I have is from the higher authorities. The school districts, the board, the superintendents, the federal government who likes to think that everyone in the entire country should be the same and therefore should be taught the same thing by the same methods (ahem… communism). It's the standardized tests. It's the forced curriculum. It's the class sizes. It's the DRUGS that we give to the little boys in the name of ADHD who actually are just unable to learn the same way as the little girl. Yes—I hate the public school system. And like the feminist movement, this is something that is going to take so long to discuss that it has to be broken down into several postings.

Once again I want to reiterate that I know what I am talking about. I work in the public school systems as a substitute teacher. I see daily what is going on. I deal daily with my frustrations. I have done research, read articles and books, and studied homeschooling communities and I feel qualified to make statements I am making. I also am very good friends with several teachers who have expressed their frustrations in having so many desires, yet having their hands tied behind their back unable to make those desires happen because of the big bad school districts.  

 

Before we go any further in discussing which alternative is better—home or public, we must understand the importance of education. Education is crucial to our future because we are ultimately educating our future. We are educating our future leaders. We are educating our future inventors. We are educating our future business men and entrepreneurs. We are educating the political leaders who will decide on our laws of society and laws of finances. Each and every person in our future is going to make some kind of contribution to our economics at some point in the future. Even the smallest business owner has some kind of effect on our economics. Therefore, we must put the highest emphasis on quality education for our future, not what is the easiest. (Sure public school is easier for the parent. I myself get exhausted at the thought of homeschooling, and I don't even have kids yet!) Yet the fact remains, the emphasis and sacrifices we make for education will reflect back on our society in the future. We have to think critically about the education we are providing our future with. We meaning you—yes you! Don't just shrug it off to the next guy to think about education. You need to figure out what you can do to enhance the quality of education of your children.

So, Here's Part One: Academics.

You parents who send you children to public schools, I wish you could be a fly on the wall and observe the actual “education” that your child is getting. You. Would. Be. Shocked.

Let’s start in elementary. This is where I see the problems of education beginning. Right away, they shove 30 kids in one classroom who all have different talents, IQ’s, natural abilities, drives to work hard, parenting, common sense, and aptitudes and expect that one teacher can successfully address each of those needs specifically. Can't happen. So what inevitably has to happen? Mainstream. And where does the mainstream have to be? Below average. There are too many needs and too many different levels of intelligence and talents to effectively meet the individual needs of each child so we have to cater to the slowest in the class. What happens to the smarter kids who are able to grasp concepts quickly? BOREDOM for starters. And also, in my experience, the students are given a task to complete and then I walk around helping those who need special help. I am happy to assist these children and get excited when my help allows them to grasp and conquer the concept. However, without fail, in any subject and in any elementary school and any grade, about five minutes after the task has been administered, and every 30 seconds afterword, while I am helping a student I am interrupted with “teacher, what do we do when we are done?” I have nothing to offer these students except, “go sit quietly at your desk until everyone is done.” This is no way to foster education and talents. Clearly there are many students who need a greater challenge than the task or worksheet that was just given, yet other students need more detailed instruction before being given the task. However they are all mainstreamed into one category. There is no way that we can justify that 30 students of the same age can be learning the same things at the same pace. In my opinion that is very poor education. Consequently, the curriculum is tailored and mainstreamed to those who are the slowest of the group. Those who excel past the curriculum are asked to wait until those who are slower catch up. Then everyone may move on together.

In doing this, in holding back the above average students so that no child be left behind, the schools cannot encourage individuality. They do not inspire naturally talented children to excel. It's a bummer really. In homeschooling situations, each child gets the exact amount of attention he or she needs. Their learning style is catered to and a child can learn through the most effective means. Also, there is no time wasted waiting around for others slower than the child. Once the child is finished, you move on, 100% of the time. How refreshing.

All that is important in public schools is the grades. When I was going to school I knew the bare minimum I needed to do to get an A or a B and I would do that and only that. I would memorize things for tests, not learn them. I would not put forth any effort to learn, because I could put forth minimal effort to get good grades. There is a big difference. Admittedly, on occasion I would cheat on an assignment, still getting the credit but learning nothing, except for ways to get away with cheating. I see this more and more in my experiences. This would not, could not happen in a homeschooling situation. There are no grades in homeschooling. When there are no grades, the students are simply left to the task at hand; Learning, not memorizing. Learning and learning at their own pace, not learning at the pace of the slowest in the class.

I have a friend who teaches 3^rd grade. One time I asked her that if she only had 1 student, how long it would take her to accomplish everything that she accomplishes in a 7 hour school day. She told me that it would probably take her about 2 hours.

2 hours!!! And we are sending our children to school for 7 hours? What are they doing the other 5 hours!?! Lunch- 3o minutes, recess 30 minutes to 1 hour depending on the school. That leaves us with 3 ½-4 hours of the day not accounted for. You parents might be surprised with the confessions of a fly on the wall, (aka a substitute teacher) when I tell you, it is spent on waiting. Waiting for the slower students to finish the work. Waiting for those who do not understand the concept to get the special attention. Waiting for the questions to be answered. Waiting waiting waiting. Or, as I see it, wasting time, wasting time, wasting time. 2 hours out of your child's school day is spent on education. Only 2 hours. And remember that it is not even quality education—it is education mainstreamed to cater to the slowest student.

These are some of the many reasons why I will home school.

I hope I have at least been able to stop some of you and think about what is going on in the public schools. (Oh! and this is only really on the elementary level. Junior high academics will be discussed.) If I have not, don't worry, there will still be several postings to continue to shove nudge you along. And many more arguments posed. And the gold at the end of the rainbow too-- what specifically you personally can do to assist with the remedying of the situation.

Back to the Roots.

I don't know if this disgusts me or scares the hell out of me:

A study done by AVG found that 19% of 2-5 year old kids could play with a smart phone app, while only 9% of those very same kids could tie their own shoes.

And learning how to dress themselves isn’t the only thing that these kids are not learning.

Tech skills are replacing life skills.

More kids know how to open a web browser than swim by themselves. More kids know how to play computer games than ride a bike. Pretty scary. Competent in life? Or they just know how to play with electronic toys.

Now, all you parents out there. I want to encourage you to take a look at your own parenting skills. Your children will take your lead. Are you coming home and sitting in front of the television and telling them to go read? It doesn’t work that way. Your children will also look at your own work ethic. If you say you are going to go and fix the broken toilet this weekend, and come the weekend you are not fixing the toilet, your children will see that. If you have a desire to try new things and learn new things, your children will also reflect a boredom in just sitting around watching television. If you like to read, even if you don't like to read, cuddle up with your kids and read your book while they read theirs. I for one am scared at the amount of technology that is taking over our lives.

So, just because I don't have children doesn’t mean that technology is taking over different aspects of my own life, I am committing now to put forth effort to get back to my own roots. I am going to challenge myself to something right now for 2 weeks. I encourage you to find something in your own life to challenge yourself to.

My challenge: I am not going to get on Facebook or turn on my television for 2 weeks. I am herby committing to that and I hope those of you who see me on a regular basis will ask me how it is going. I will report back on my experience here in 2 weeks. If any of my readers want to challenge themselves to a similar challenge, and want to share your own experiences, I would be happy to feature you on the blog to share your own experiences. 2 weeks starts today and ends on February 21. I may even keep it going longer than that.

I will tell you that I am going to be linking my blog on Facebook, but I can do that without actually getting on, so even if you see a blog update doesn’t mean I didn’t follow through on my deal. 

Sayonara Facebook. I honestly don't think I'm going to miss you

The Emotionally Mature...

Soooooo... I am going to start doing a little 'fun for me' segment on the blog… Book Reviews. I love to read, and I want to share my good reads with people. One of the ways I have decided to do this is here on the blog. These will be ranging from self help type books to novels to books with topics about family and politics that I personally find important and that I have enjoyed reading. I am going to start that today; however, today it’s actually going to be a book that I would not necessarily recommend.

Before I tell you what book that is, I am going to tell you a little bit about why I picked it up. I was talking to a good friend, having a thought provoking conversation (as they always are) about qualities to look out for when picking a good man to marry and she mentioned to me 3 qualities to make sure to pick in a husband. I was intrigued and interested to hear what they were, and actually they were quite intuitive. She told me she got them from a book. Since I was impressed with the qualities, I decided to read the book. To her: I actually am not sure if you liked this book or not, so sorry for my somewhat negative review of this book, but I thought it was kind of a cop out. There were about 5 pages in this book that turned out to be valuable; the 3 qualities discussed being a part of that value. The rest of the book, in my opinion, was like total common sense. It was to me like this woman wanted to make money and get credit for taking some common sense and turning it into a book. Perhaps there are some woman who might need to read about some of the common sense things in this book, but personally, I didn’t learn too much.

There is another reason that I don't like this book. I personally am morally against those with children under the age of 18 remarrying. This book is kind of a guidebook on how to do that, how to remarry when you have divorced. The author herself divorced with a small child and remarried. Again, I DO NOT think this is fair or morally correct to do that to children, which is another reason why the book didn’t knock my socks off.

Without further adieu, the book that didn’t knock my socks off is called Dating Secrets for Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell. 

 So, I am going to take the small amount of valuable knowledge out of this book and summarize what I learned from it. First and foremost, this book is all about learning how to pick a man who is emotionally mature.

The Doc is completely focused on being emotionally mature. This book did help to shed some light on what exactly it means to be emotionally mature. This I agree is the first step to having a good marriage. One point that was made that I did find very interesting was that 15-25% of the population never emotionally mature past the age of 14. Their behaviors stay selfish, they are motivated by rewards or punishments, and acknowledgements. They long for love, approval and acceptance but they make little connection to their responsibility to love. They largely don't know any better, it’s like a light never turned on in their minds. (p. 33) These are the kinds of people that do not make good spouses and should not be married, and if as much as 1 in 4 are like this, we spouse hunters really have to keep our eyes open. Those who are emotionally mature are first of all Empathetic.

Empathy is the first quality of the emotionally mature. I am sure that most of you understand what empathy looks like. Looking past oneself to the feelings, needs and rights of others shows empathy. Those who are quick to anger, or who are capable of backstabbing are not empathetic. There is a whole page of what a non-empathetic person looks like in this book (and if you don't know, you can go check the book out, read this small section, and return the book.) I thought that was an interesting first quality. I appreciated that point of view.

Quality number 2: Self Control. Is this person able to exercise self control? Self control comes in lots of areas. Obviously drug, alcohol, and sexual addictions are a big sign of someone not having self control. But some of the less obvious ones may be uncontrollable spending of money or even jumping from one relationship to another very quickly. Again, there is a whole page in the book listing what behaviors someone who lacks self control may possess. And another thought provoking quality for me.  

Third quality, accepting responsibility. Someone who has emotionally maturity can accept responsibility. They don't blame, lie, or excuse their behavior. They apologize when wrong, don't justify, or manipulate. Another fairly self explanatory quality, yet thought provoking.

So those are the 3 qualities that an emotionally healthy person will have. It gives me great perspective towards myself, what I need to work on and where I still am emotionally immature. It also helps me in my spouse hunting to make the wisest choice in my future. I appreciated these 3 pages in the book. There were a few small things I did get out of the book that I enjoyed. Some are things I have mentioned on the blog, others are things I still plan to mention. I will summarize.

One thing that Alisa mentioned in this book was about men loving to sacrifice. This goes right along with the pre-marital sex problems I have mentioned previously. She says that men see no point in sacrificing for things they can get for free. When toys, cars, money, or women come easily, a man is quick to enjoy them in the moment and then forget about them just as quickly. (p.96) Although she was not talking about premarital sex, I felt it was applicable and I appreciated the point made.

She also echoed the point I made about being single yet still living life and not pausing your life to whine about what is wrong with it. Do not live she says as if your life will only begin when you are in a relationship. (p. 112) I liked that, because all any of us really has is time, so with or without all our dreams in place, let’s not stop living.

So there you have it. My not so enthusiastic book review of Dating Game Secrets to Marrying a Good Man by Alisa Goodwin Snell. And like I said, I really appreciate the 3 qualities that an emotionally person has, and other than the few valuable one liners here and there, I found the rest of the book to be a little bit basic and containing mostly common sense. And unless you have no idea what a controlling or abusive man acts like, and I do mean NO IDEA, then I would not send you in the direction of this book.     

Charming Mum's

Remember how I love SAHM’s? I love everything they do and everything they stand for. I love the concept of actually raising the children you bring into the world. Well, I could go on and on for forever with the emotional and developmental benefits kids have from having a SAHM, but I came across this cool article on the health benefits that SAHM’s provide for their kids. It was written for a newspaper in the UK, so it uses the cool mum spelling which is just charming right? 

 

Children of working mothers tend to have a less healthy lifestyle than those whose mothers stay at home, a study has found.

They snack on more junk food, spend more time in front of the TV and do less exercise.

Those whose mothers work part-time follow a slightly healthier regime, while the children of stay-at-home mums have the most nutritious diets and enjoy more exercise. 

However, researchers insist the results 'do not imply that mothers should not work'. 

 But they say there is a definite link between paid employment and a lifestyle that leaves children more at risk from obesity and disease.

And they suggest a lack of time is the biggest factor keeping the healthiest lifestyles out of reach of many working families.

The findings come from a study of 12,500 British school children published today in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health.

It shows children whose mothers are employed are more likely to be driven to school, watch TV, snack on fizzy drinks and eat too few portions of fruits and vegetables.

Love it! Yet another reason why I am stoked to hang with the kiddos. At home. Unemployed.