The Committment Bracket.

You know what I have come to learn from the Doc? This may seem very elementary, common sense to some of you, but honestly it never really occurred to me until it was pointed out to me by her. It makes such brilliant sense now and it is a knowledge that I cherish for my future relationships, indeed it is knowledge that could have spared me a great deal in my last relationship. Without further adieu, this knowledge is the fact that there are really 2 types of dating. Those who date for fun, and those who date to find a spouse. I know, its huge hu? I realize that I may be the only person who didn’t realize this fact prior to the Doc mentioning it. I used to think that the way it worked was that 2 people find each other and just hang out until the relationship evolves naturally into whatever it was supposed to evolve into. How immature that actually is though. Things like relationships should be planned much better. Fate is horse manure, in my never to be humble opinion. There are some people who are not ready to get married and to commit their lives to another. There is nothing wrong with this, as marriage is the single most important decision any person could make and it shouldn’t be made prematurely. Those people who are not ready to get married, date to have fun. They date so that they have someone to go to the movies with on Saturday night, or someone to invite to their friends birthday party. They may date someone they know they would not marry, just because that person is fun and will provide lots of good experiences. This can be an important stage to live. I think it’s important to date around and date often so that you understand yourself and your life goals better. I think dating for fun will always teach you more about yourself and what you want out of life and in a spouse. However, most people reach a point in their lives when they are ready to start looking for a spouse. It is then that they begin to date for that intent and purpose. They don't need to stay in a relationship for too long with a person they know they would not marry. It’s not about having fun, staying with someone just to have someone to go to the movies with. These are the people that typically know more about themselves and what they want out of life and they are looking for someone to match those things. They are typically done with all the big milestones of their lives, like school, internships, study abroads, established careers, homeownership, etc. They don't waste time dating the wrong person.

I find it quite dangerous for a person who is dating for fun and a person who is trying to find a spouse to date each other. That kind of situation is always going to lead to trouble. Either it leads to painful breakups, or the one who is ready, ropes the other who is not ready, into making a commitment that he or she is not ready to make. That also leads to trouble. Because, as the Doc so eloquently put it one time:

Don't bother to get married if you're not going to live for the other person. There is no point. You are just going to be miserable. Marriage requires 2 people who love for each other not for themselves. That is the big leap you take when you make vows. You're living your life now for the benefit of someone outside of yourself. If you're not up to that yet, don't get married. Wait. Until you have the concept fully entrenched. It’s very important.

When a person doesn’t understand that concept, of living for the benefit of someone outside themselves, they shouldn’t get married. And someone who does understand that concept shouldn’t be trying to rope someone into marriage who does not understand that. Vows should be taken by 2 people who are on that same plane. Since I am dating to find a spouse, this knowledge has become invaluable to me. It is also something that I have never been taught before. Thankfully I found the Doc. In my last relationship I was dating to marry, but my boyfriend was not. I never realized why the two of us just never quite fit until long after we broke up and this knowledge was brought to my attention. It was a great aha moment in my life. (I realize that I am a little slower than most of you on this subject, but better late than never right?)

So, now that I understand these 2 stages, I am better prepared for my first dates. Now, the Doc recommends being up front right on the first date, and asking someone: “Are you dating for the purpose of finding a spouse? Because that is why I am dating.” I think that may be a tad forward, that it may get a little creepy, especially if a girl were to ask that to a guy. And I have been advised by guys in the past that I should maybe save something like that for a second or third date. I'm alright with that, but there are also ways of finding out where a person is a little more subtly than coming right out and asking. This is something that I always do in the beginning of a potential relationship. Long before we become emotionally attached to one another, I find out if they are in the same stage as me. I have luckily learned from my past mistake, not to date someone who is not dating for the purpose of finding a spouse. I must say, again, that I feel a little slow for not grasping this concept until I was about 24 years old, nevertheless, I have grasped it now, I implement it, and it’s of great benefit to my dating experiences at this point in my human development.