Our own Strength.

 “I do not think we know our own strength until we see how strong love makes us.” 

I don't know what has possessed me to pick this topic to write about today but I suppose I just want to document how strong I have become because of love, which has become a mile marker in my journey to happiness.

Earlier today I found some quotes that I jotted down about 18 months ago. The funny thing was that at the time I was just coming out of a nasty breakup. My little heart was just shattered. I was reading a book by one of my favorite authors Jodi Picoult, a book called The Tenth Circle. {The title, if I remember right, was referring to the tenth level of Dante’s Inferno and it was heartache.} The book was about a young girl who had just broken up with a boyfriend. Ironic considering my current state. I did not pick this book up with any prior knowledge on the subject matter but it obviously spoke to me. All the quotes had jotted down some 18 months ago were quotes from this book that struck me. The heartache I was then experiencing was a pain I was feeling all too strongly. 

Heartbreak is tragic in the moment. Life shattering even. Yet small and seemingly insignificant in the scheme of things, as we all must know from experience.  When I had read the book, these few sentences that I'd jotted down were truly powerful to me. I remember very clearly being in awe because of how accurately Jodi, through the experience of her young character was able to capture my specific emotions and feelings.

I am not going to get too into the whole emotional journey, because actually I already did that in another blog I had at the time... but I do want to share a few of the more powerful emotions and lessons learned so that I may document my journey of overcoming these strong and powerful, painful and depressing emotions. A journey that I am quite thankful to be on this end of. 

 

I have shared with many of you before details about this breakup. I have only had one difficult breakup in my life, it was a period in my life that I have learned mountains from. It is a period in my life that I don't think I would ever choose to experience again, yet it is a time I would not trade for anything because of who it made me and what I was able to learn.   

The good news? I am past this stage. I have found sincere and genuine happiness since this time period. Looking back, I can do so with gratitude. I can be proud of what I survived. I can honestly say that I had no idea about my own strength, not until I was able to see what love did to me.

Now, let me share with you words that touched me from The Tenth Circle.

This one, I could have spoken myself:

” He must have known that if he’d asked me to drop everything and follow him across the earth, I’d have done it. And if the roles were reversed, he wouldn’t. We were at different places in the same relationship, and like anything that is out of alignment, we were destined to crash sooner or later. I just wish that he would have done it differently to keep from breaking my heart even harder.”

What a fool I was to have been willing to sacrifice literally everything for a man whom I knew would not reciprocate. All because I wanted to prove to myself that I could be loved. What a sad con I allowed myself to become. I know we were not right for each other and that we would not end up together but he could have spared me quite a lot of heartache if he approached the breakup differently. He knowingly chose to break my heart harder than necessary. What a heartless quality.

I also remember lying awake at night, crying... and thinking:

“How do people do it? How does he do it? Get up and go to work, make it through the day and act like none of it mattered. There is no way to drain the pool of memories that pool like acid in my stomach because my heart doesn’t know what to do with them anymore. It’s not like I can totally blame him for breaking up with me when he did, I didn’t like myself like that either. But I can’t just go back to being the person I was before I’d met him. That person is gone, so where does that leave me?”

The memories were TORMENT. I couldn’t get them out of my head and all I wanted was to relive them. I can't tell you how happy that I am to have overcome that mental anguish.

“He said he wanted us to stay friends. Even thought deep down I knew it was impossible. How was I supposed to smile when I saw him and hung out with him, and listened to him talk about his latest woman, when all I wanted to do was collapse? How was I supposed to unhear the words that he loved me?”

I remember all too well the “friend” stage that he insisted on. And me, being willing to do anything for him, to my own destruction, agreed. That month of “staying friends” almost consumed me. It was just like she says. Trying to unhear the words I love you, trying to smile when I listened to him talk about his new woman. To subject yourself to that kind of torture. Stupid stupid stupid.

“The only thing worse than not feeling anything is feeling everything.”

The pain wouldn’t cease up. Not even when I was sleeping. My dreams even betrayed me.

“An insult doesn’t have to be shouted at you to make you bleed.”

His insults were ever so subtle. So subtle that only I knew they were intended to stab me. Everyone else never picked up on them. I was even attacked by others because of my reaction to these stabbings. The ultimate betrayal and double the setback.  

“After he broke up with me I found myself losing any appearance of emotional control. I’d find myself sobbing when a certain song came on the car radio. I would drive by his place of work and hope to accidentally cross paths with him at the store or something. It was like I was swimming in tar, when the rest of the world, including him, had so seamlessly moved on.” 

I devoted an entire blog to overcoming this breakup. So many posts were about driving by his work. Crying to songs on the radio. Hoping to run into him and have him tell me he wanted me back.

“I had to face the startling fact that the love of my life might not actually be someone with whom I could spend a lifetime. “

I couldn’t help but wonder if I would ever be loved again. Or if I would ever be able to love as much. 

“Relationships always sound so painful. You FALL in love, you BREAK your heart, and you LOOSE your head. Is it any wonder that people come through that experience with battle scars?”

The positive thing about a battle is that even thought you come out with scars, you grow a whole hell of a lot, fighting beyond any human strength.

“You never know what you are capable of, the good and the bad, until you arrive at that given moment.”

How immature, stupid and weak I was. How strong, wise and mature I have become. How thankful I am for the lessons that love has taught me. For getting through something I never thought I could. My life will never be the same. My capacity to endure exceeds what I ever could have known any other way. I am prepared for round two, whatever heartache round two will bring to me. I am ready for battle. I cannot tell you how safe I feel now knowing my strength. I can do hard things because of this experience.

And there you have some of mine and Jodi’s thoughts on the pain of love. One thing I will say, I am not scared to love again. I was hurt the first time around only because of my own mistakes.

I guess I chose this topic today because it was such a monumental stage in my life that I grew a great deal from.

I admit that I do pat myself on the back for growth I make. I acknowledge my steps in the right direction, no matter how small they are. Chronicling my past efforts at growth is just as important as chronicling my current efforts to grow. I would definitely label love, and the things I have learned about it to be one of life’s greatest lessons. 

Oh, and Jodi Picoult is a brilliant writer isn’t she?

And a little PS letter to him:

Dear B.R. Piano Man,

I know I just spent some time publicly smacking you around, metaphorically speaking, but I just want you to know that dumb as I was, I truly did love you. I loved so much about you. And while it was not the healthy part of me loving you, it was love none the less. But I am so over you now. Buy I want you to know that as unhealthy as you are, you are someone I admire. You have a big heart and so much potential that you don't live up to. I just want you to know that if no one else see’s your potential I do. If no one else thinks happy thoughts about you, I do. It was rough there for a little while when you first cut me off but I am doing great now. I am healthier, I am smarter and I am damn stronger. For that I will always love you. Much gratitude and admiration,

The red Russian {whom I know you truly loved back}